Has Kaden started smoking cigars??? That is what he does all day while I am gone. I found it amusing that Kaden's new rawhide resembled a cigar in his mouth.

One small step for Jessica....one huge leap for womenkind...or not so much. I braved the new experience of speed dating tonight. On my way there I was beginning to question whether I was suppose to go or not. On my way there, I get stuck in horrible traffic. Yes, they have taken Hamburg down to one lane for construction and the back up started right after Richmond Road. So, even though I left early..I was 15 minutes late. I took a short cut as soon as I got to a road..but I am not certain how much that helped...at least I was moving with relieved some anxiety. Then it starts to pour down rain..yes terrific and I approach the main red light at Hamburg..and wouldn't you know..it's broken. I got there though..with my hair that would not curl due to the humidity and late..and frustrated. And that is when the fun began.

So, the first thing I notice is that I appear to be signifcantly older than the others there. I might should have expected that since I was at the bottom on the age range that could go, but I was taken back by it at first. You must realize that I look younger that what I am...so that adds to some ackwardness. It began and it went...and it could have been worse I guess. Overall, I think it might have been a waste of money. This particular event only had 5 men at it...and I was expecting at least 6. And to be honest I am not sure if I will get a match. If you were in a sorority, you would total understand what was going on. Essentially it was date rushing...the men rotate to different tables every 6 minutes and you mark whether you would like to meet them again or not. It has to be a two way match in order to get info...just like rush (or shall I say the proper term of recruitment now?) Let's go through the summary of who I met:
Bachelor #1: And older, somewhat nerdy looking guy. Conversation went well, however it felt like there was a significant age difference and there wasn't any attraction. That was a no mark. Bachelor #2: Nice, decent guy. Someone I could be attracted to...likes to travel, so conversation flowed very well...was still talking strong when the little bell rang. Put a yes mark there. Bachelor #3: So, I think you are older than 38! He totally seemed like he could be my dad..with the graying hair and giving reference to giving me "fatherly advice" about starting a business. He reminded me of a guy from my doctorate program and I think the age difference was weird and it felt skeesy on both ends. That would be a no mark. Bachelor #4: Ok guy from southeastern ky. However conversation was like pulling teeth (insert southeastern ky joke...yes he did have teeth punks). He also presented as a bit..hmm...how shall I phrase this..possibly gay? All I could think is dude when you coming out of the closet? So, not wanting to relive any Transy days and not feeling any attraction..that was a no mark. Bachelor #5: Last, but not least the md. Cute guy, medical resident. Conversation was mediocore. I did mark yes, however I sensed that he probably didn't mark yes for me. I sensed through his nonverbals that he wasn't interested. One of the perks and downfalls of being instinctive and working with people. Who knows? I mean by nature the majority (not all...umm...Key is not...) of male mds are narcissistic by nature. So, who can tell? I mean in the 6 minutes he disclosed info on his nice apartment and nice car. I guess 6 minutes is a long time for a md to concentrate..and actually listen...I mean really, let's think about most md visits these day. I should give him props for sitting still that long, I suppose...ok maybe I am being mean now. I marked yes, but I would be really suprised if it gets a match. So I marked 2/5. In rush terms, I guess I am cutting it a bit close. I chose AOII and Chi Omega if you will...and didn't give a third chance. No ranking here though..but I did not work with the odds of me getting a match. No snap bids here ladies. I am waiting to see how big of a waste of money this event was for me. At least I did it...said I wanted to..and I did. While I won't again anytime soon, I wouldn't be completely opposed to doing it in the future.

My frustration and somewhat grumpy mood (I think others might confirm) had more to do with a frustration of dating in general. I feel like I am just now starting to look desperate with all the dating things I have tried. It is hard to meet potential datees (not a word I know..but it is in Jessica language) anymore. I have been told to not "place my eggs all in one basket" so I am trying to increase my odds of meeting more people. To be honest, I am not sure if I am cut out for all this casual dating several people, etc. I am more of a hey I am interested in you, you are interested in me, let's date a bit and see where it goes or doesn't go. I feel like I don't have much control of the dating dynamic right now, as men seem to dictate this casual dating thing. Basically it's in their court and sometimes they want to date alot of people and sometimes that focus in on one person. Unfortunately I tend to be one of the masses and not the "selected ones" if you will. I am very date worthy...and have much to share and I can be fun to be around...oh well. I mean I amuse many of you on a daily basis, do I not? However many of you are women who can relate..family..or just scared male bystanders. That is where the grumpy Jessica arrives...tired of looking desperate and feeling out of control of the situation. Why do girls tend to question themselves and what is wrong when dating goes sour? Stinky pooh pooh. (Just felt like putting that in there..haha).

In honor of my taking a new step in the new era of dating....speed dating..tonight, I thought I would take a brief walk down memory lane and my bad dating experiences over the internet thus far.

- Tolly Ho guy...the guy I met at Tolly Ho and who obviously fit in perfectly. (and if you have ever visited the place of wonderful milkshakes..then you will understand what I mean!)
- Mr. No Picture...learned the hard way...do not meet anyone before seeing a picture. I mean there has to be a bit of attraction.
- Sort of feminine guy...a nice guy, great at conversation..and I tried really hard...3 dates even..but I could get past the weird smile with the teeth and sort of feminine voice.
- The guy whose name rhymes with sock...well this wasn't completely bad I suppose. However when it was all said and done I was left feeling a bit like and "evil temptress" (ask for details). Yeah..I know that is the first thing people think of when they think of me..haha.
- German guy. Lovely guy...however absolutely no attraction and to be honest he reminded me a bit of a foreign steve erkle. So, like I said before...I didn't like visiting the country..don't like the food...don't like the language...why did I think I would like the men?
- Latino man #1: the guy who could carry on good conversation when he was drinking, but was stuck completely on himself otherwise. Could only carry on conversation about motorcycles...and that's about it.
- Latino man #2: the guy who I had absolutely nothing in common with...and went straight in for the kiss right away..wasting no time...hold your horses.
- The original: lasting 9 months or so, yeah we all know how great that one worked out.
- Denmark guy: yeah....a nice guy with a lot of secrets...secrets you really don't want to know (again..ask for details...from me or one of my good girlfriends).
- Mr. Arrogant...talked for him for a week..lengthy conversations...mr. i like to keep everything open and honest who went MIA after first date. The first date in which he took business calls the whole time..and he definately had a case of short man syndrome.
- Would have been perfect guy...if I was attracted to him and if he hadn't asked me to go to Cancun with him on the first date.
- Mr. Skinny...yes I can date a guy smaller than me...I am no thin spring chicken...however...someone who looks like a skeleton and can't gain weight...and I was not attracted to at...not so much can I do that.
- Of course then there is the guy that I never met that went MIA after finding this blog...LOL.
- Seinfeld - the whole entire dinner this is all I could think....but a not funny Seinfeld. Monotone voice with rambling stories..that weren't funny.
- And I had to edit and place in "mr. lawyer" (not to be confused with mr. conservative who I did not meet via the internet). Yes, the one who will still randomly call after months have passed, ask me out, and act if I just spoke to him yesterday. Strangeness.
- I suppose I should also pay tribute to those guys that suddenly went MIA without evening meeting me..dang I am good...need to know how to run off a guy..I am your gal! Whether it was because they found out about my education or love of traveling..there have been those countless MIA men.

And I am certain there are those I am leaving out, but I think you get the picture. Oh, the stories I do have to share. Wish me luck...I really fear that it will be a bunch of balding men at the very end of this age spectrum. Off to get ready now...

Will there ever come a point when I am happy for people I don't know really that well getting together? Hmmm...perhaps when I am in a settled happy relationship. Then I guess I won't really be concerned with it. But until that day comes, I will continue to be annoyed when some people get together...especially when girls are dipping into my league who shouldn't be there (reference, Campbell 2006, see previous blog entries for details on dating league theory). Some of you may be sitting there thinking...Jessica, that is so mean, but be honest...many of you have sit there and had the same thoughts...but just not voiced them. Girls, I know you are out there...I can hear it in the cynical voices that refer to your previous crush and their new so and so. And I would like to say..that is ok. I want others to be happy, but at times I get a little frustrated and annoyed...let's all just be honest. I am all about embracing the honesty tonight.

If you know me, then you probably know that I like to travel. I get these weekly emails informing me about deals and specials. There is one email that I particularly am having difficulty deleting. I mean it is not as if I have the finances, paided off time from work, or a travel companion to go...but it is a great deal. A great deal on the beach...a gorgeous beach may I add with white sand and crystal blue waters. I am going to delete it from my email tonight..but I am going to post it here for any of you who may be able to go.

I have a question for you readers out there..can friends truly transition into romance? And what are the limits and boundaries that are crossed that send you into "friend neverneverland"? Talk amongst yourselves...comment here if you like or on myspace. I am interested in your thoughts.

Lexington. There are perks and drawbacks to living in a city. Well, I discovered a drawback in my attempts to get a md appointment today. I called to someone to whom I had been referred..and was told it would be a week. The receptionist asked..what brings you in...I mean does it really matter if I am going to have to wait a week? So, I replied some burning in my chest at times...to which she said that I should go to the emergency room. Uh..no..I am not going to go make a fool out of myself by going to the ER for no good reason because a person with probably limited medical background suggested it. So, I called another place and got into today. Per the EKG (doesn't that sound so serious..although really not..it took like 2 minutes of strange things attached randomly to my body) my heart is doing ok. Diagnosis? Well, the preliminary (pre-blood tests) results suggest anxiety...rearing it's ugly face in a new way with rapid heart beating..and perhaps heart burn. I am following up later this week with being poked and prodded to make sure everything else is ok. Which leads into my next discussion.

Psychotropic medications. I am by no means against them and think they can do a lot of good. However, I am questioning whether I should continue taking them in light of my apparent predisposition to health concerns. Are the benefits outweighing the negative? Isn't this the question central to most debates. The problem is becoming that I no longer can remember what it is like to feel ok. Is the persistent nausea and periods of light headed feelings medication related or not? Am I more tired because of the medication or is there a creeping depression returning? Am I more anxious on the medications or off the medications? I just keep adding more medications to treat the symptoms that are arising from the other medications. It is becoming a circle that I don't know if I want to be on yet. The question I am asking right now is whether to stay on psychotropic medications...or not. And more importantly the particular medications I am on. I did not have this many side effects on Lexapro at all...after a while I could barely tell physically that I was taking it.

Feelings. It is so strange how you can care about someone on so many different levels. In many situations it is only smart to guard our feelings...however the act of guarding them creates new emotions and can create new barriers. And even more so men are scared of the emotions that women would like to throw upon them. Wow...I could drive myself crazy with my analysis of everything! The scary thing...many women are probably following my line of thought and understand. Yes, men you are seeing into the scary yet fascinating female psyche. So my love life situation: 1 guarded feelings towards someone that i care about, 1 unreasonable yet fun crush on a coworker...oh if only that mere exposure effect often mentioned in psychology would kick in..haha, 1 fleeting thought of what might have been (sing along..try not to think about what might have been), 1 thought of considering doing speed dating, and that would be it. No actively seeking anything out..what is there is there. My hesitation with the speed dating is that my self esteem might not be in a good place for that. Oh another random note: it would appear that I am the acquaintance/sorority sister that you contact/try to date after you break up with your girlfriend...3 times people. Strangeness.

My dog. Yes, he was a poop eating dog again this weekend and I put the smack down...who knows if it did any good. I do not condone eating of poop in my household.

Photography. Someone asked me if I had passed on the idea of pursuing it. Not really. What happens is that as I research and look more into it...I am intimidated and question my ability to be successful as a photographer. I know that I am comparing myself to individuals that may have many more years of experience, training..and better equipment..but it is my competition. I get overwhelmed in thinking how I could get it started. Photography is where my heart is...but psychology appears to be where my bread and butter is at the moment.

Boring you. I am sure that is probably occurring as I continue on my rambling...perhaps anxious driven ranting.

I had full intentions of getting in bed earlier tonight as I am working a long shift at the ridge tomorrow...but somehow that didn't happen. When I laid down, my body was tired, but my mind would not stop...so I eventually ended up back on the computer. How did people waste time before the internet??? I got sucked into myspace...for those of you not on myspace this may be hard to understand..but it can be so addictive. Tonight I found myself browsing through the Transy grads....thinking I would look at just a few. But..oh no..I went through all 53 pages I tell you. Wondering do I know that person, and are they doing something better than me with our 80,000 dollar education? Who do they keep in touch with now...is that the guy from my SOL group that I had a crush on? Addictive..this myspace..addictive. I am a myspace stalker..so look out. I suppose it is only fair though since I have a few blog stalkers, right?:-)

"I'm not a player..I just crush alot". Crushes...this is my middle name it appears. I have had crushes for as long as I can remember, however they never tend to develop into anything more..which is disappointing. The few, few times they have been reciprocated I am generally shocked. It is sad because I feel like some of the crushes could have developed if only I felt better about myself and was thinner..which are totally interconnected...silly I know. (Negative self...negative self talk). Another annoyance of mine is that one particular type of guy that seems to be attracted to me is one that I am never attracted to (of course this is not referring to any guys that I may currently like or have liked...this is a genre of men that I am not attracted to 9/10 times). I call them the "punk" group...they tend to be bigger men and just have this...punk attitude..I can pick them out of a crowd. It is crazy..and it happened again this week. Nothing more to share, but that it annoys me that the men who are attracted to me...I am often not attracted to them.

My new frivilous show of the summer is So You Think You Can Dance...I didn't believe dear Stacey when she told me, but she sure did get me hooked. And to update you on How To Get The Guy...one lesson learned this week was that the smell of oranges tends to attract men...well this is a good thing since I wear Satsuma from Body Shop..which is pretty much an orange smell. Y'all I have been wearing that for months...what's the deal?? I am not switching now though! Until later...