So...I thought I would write a bit before I head to bed tonight. I am thoroughly exhausted. I am completely moved now...although far from unpacked. I have been unpacking and cleaning in what free time I have had..but it is hard to find the energy to do that after working, having gone home for Thanksgiving, etc. I am liking my new place and I am really happy with my couch and chair. I took my first of many naps to come (I am certain) on my chair and ottoman today...it was quite comfy. My family came up today to bring a dresser and helped me put together some furniture. It was nice of them to come up and do that and I was glad that they got to see where I am living now. This begins the hellish next few weeks at school. Starts off with a bang with two things been due tomorrow. I have yet to complete them..but they are not due until 7 tomorrow night. It is going to be hard for me to remain focused this week when I would like nothing better than to get settled in here. I like for things around me to be organized before I can typically concentrate on other stuff...oh well..this will have to be the exception I suppose.

Update on love life..or shall we say lack thereof. No, seriously, I am trying. I am working on moving on from the last guy that I saw. It is hard when you get so accustomed to someone being a part of your daily life..then they are just MIA. And on top of that even tougher when you are comparing yourself to the girl who he is now with..especially when you have the horrible self-esteem that I do. Rest assured though..I am trying. In my effort...I did meet someone new last night. There is this nice guy that I had met via match.com that lives in Nashville, but was visiting his family here over the break. We met late last night at Steak and Shake. I felt that it went really well and he seems like a great guy...and I think that we hit it off. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from him yet...yes I know that it hasn't even been 24 hours..but I am still watching the email.:-) I sent him an email a moment ago just saying that I had a good time..so..we'll see. And I know long distance...I am the queen of developing long distance crushes.....those of you know my history will agree. But hey....3 hours is closer than 4,000 miles in another country, ok. Regardless, I did step out and take a chance...right? I suppose I will go and try to sleep now. Even though I am so tired I have been having trouble sleeping..I think it is the combo of a new place and the lights from my parking lot.

Moving is exhausting! More to come later...

Where to start? Right now I feel as though I could rant and rave for hours. I know that I should place all this anger into something productive...like exercise..perhaps it would be helpful. I will start on a good note...I have a good evening with friends. I did at times feel like "Jessica downer" (like the skit on Saturday Night Live). Do you ever have those times when everything you start to say just ends up coming out depressing? It was definitely one of those evenings for me...thank goodness I have good friends that take it all in stride. That of course was not the good note...that is that I went and saw the new Bridget Jones's Diary. I really enjoyed it...still debating if I like it as much as the first, but definitely up there with my favorite movies. I think the reason I enjoy the movie so much is that I feel like I can relate with Bridget...I think it's the whole overweight, clumsy, opening your mouth when you shouldn't thing. I love happy endings to movies..and of course this was the case, but even the happy endings make me a little sad right now. Sometimes I feel so hopeless about meeting someone to romantically be with that cares for me as much as I do them. I wonder if there is a "Mark Darcy" out there for me who will like me just the way I am. I know I am by no means an old maid...but as I was talking to a friend about the other day...this is a hard age...and is a hard age in which to be searching for that companionship.

Speaking of men...let's talk about another thing I do not understand. What is it about men that they have this "replace" instinct? Either after they have a breakup..or in order to justify a breakup..they feel the need to find someone else to replace you. Most often women need time to heal wounds, but no..not men. And as these "wounds" are healing..when men do their lovely replacing games..it's like rubbing salt and then grinding it into the wound. Or at least let's say that is how I am currently feeling.

Some of you may know that I am moving this upcoming Tuesday. I will send an email out soon giving my new info. I will not be getting a land line, so my cell will be the primary way for people to get in touch with me. This has been a tough past few months for me and I think a change will do me a world of good. Hopefully I will find some space..and perhaps sanity. We'll see.

'>Star Wars Character Quiz

Another way to waste time at work. I had been told in the past that I would be darth vader...apparently that was wrong.:-) You should try it for yourself.

Bridget Jones's Diary

How excited am I! Finally, the next one is being released. I need someone to go watch it with me...any takers..please let me know. I watched the first one several times at the theatre in Ireland.

The big debate of the day: which is more hideous or embarrassing to wear: my bright maroon Transy alumni sweatshirt or AOII big letter sweatshirt? I selected the Transy...so that was decided. No seriously, many more important decisions need to be made in my life...but I won't go into that. Anxiety still high, and depression tends to creep its way in throughout the days. I attempted to write a paper tonight....it was like pulling teeth. I don't know what the deal was..but I have got to get a grip because I have 8 more papers to go before this semester can end. I got 3 pages completed and decided that maybe I will be more refreshed in the morning. I have an extremely busy weekend ahead of me...partly my fault. I picked up more hours at work...I know maybe it's not the best thing, but I figured that if I spend significant time there and then am exhausted when not there..then I will not worry about other things..or won't have the energy to at least. I am scheduled 18 hours and then I am on call for 24 hours to the hospitals to do emergency assessments. I suppose my life is back to my work being my significant other person in my life.:-/ Tomorrow night is a girls' night with the ladies from school and then Natalie is in town on Saturday so I think it's a night out at good ole' Austin City Saloon. It is so hard because I have this struggle between wanting to do stuff and then just crawling in a hole. I know that is the whole scheme of life, things are not that horrible...but to know that cognitively and then to calm my emotions is a separate thing. Honestly, I feel miserable...I feel more alone than ever. (Again do now worry no SI/HI, or psychosis:-)

I have talked about the negative aspects of anxiety, now I suppose I should give credit to the only good thing about anxiety....loss of appetite and upset stomach. Thanks to all the lovely stress in my life, I do believe that I have lost some weight. My scale is at a friend's house because I got rid of it awhile back during one of my intended weight loss ventures..but I am going to get it and I will give you the update..but my clothes indicate there has been loss of some sort. My therapist (yes I am going back to therapy) views this as a negative thing...but I view it as positive..if I lose weight, that is something that makes me happy.

Evidently, my favorite outfit this semester involves my UK sweatshirt. Not feeling like really getting ready most days, I opt for slouch clothes..which leads me to some of my only casual clothes. I have got to purchase some more comfy clothes. Right now many people are probably starting to wonder if I have anything else in my wardrobe...especially on Thursdays..that seems to be a slouch day frequently.

Men suck!!!!!! Just in case you are wondering how my love life is going.:-) So, we women say that men don't really care much about anything except for big boobs and nice body....over the years I have tried to convince myself that this is not true..but I assure you that I think it is. I have met a guy that helped to confirm this fact. I hate getting your heart broken...it truly has to be one the worst feelings in the world. It feels like someone just sticks their hand into your chest, grabs your heart and stomps on it. That is where I am currently.....sitting with a broken heart. All is fair in love and war??? I don't think so.

I have discovered that driving can be therapeutic. Tonight, feeling a bit stressed about decisions that I feel I need to make, I went for a short drive. It is calming..however I am not recommending driving if you are incredibly upset or anything.:-) The hardest part is fighting the urge to not jump on the interstate and just drive and drive. I could always go visit friends in Philly or Minnesota.:-) I know..I know..that even if I could jump on a airplane and escape for awhile, my life would still be the same and awaiting me when I returned. People on tv who just up and go away are very deceptive...that's not possible in real life. The short drive ended with me getting myself a coke. I am so addicted to caffeine and coke that it is ridiculous. I crave coke cola (feel the need to clarify here just in case..haha) like other people crave water or cigarettes. I felt that I was at the turning point for two areas of my life...I have made the decision about one, and I have one more to go. Sometimes you just have to give up on things and release that stress...it is funny how hard we fight to hang onto things sometimes...even when circumstances/and or people are pushing us away.

Want to know the worst part of anxiety? Not being able to sleep. I am trying to follow my own advice..and since I am unable to sleep tonight, I decided to get up and try to do something for a little while..then try it again. Typically, music can calm my "nerves". I can turn on a good song dance around alone in my room and forget about whatever is bothering me. I attempted that earlier and it worked temporarily..but as I went to lay down and was present with only my racing thoughts...I still could not sleep. My anxiety is through the roof for a number of reasons right now...but basically let's just say everything in my life sucks right now. I really truly wish I could run off to some strange place or crawl into a hole for awhile. I need a vacation from my life. (note: I am not suicidal...just overwhelmed and down). School has gotten to the "survival of the fittest" point. Luckily, I am not alone in this situation...many of my classmates seem to be in the same spot. It is no longer about catching up on all the massive reading..simply read what has to be done in order to pull together papers and presentations in this upcoming crunch time. I will definitely be happy to see the end of the semester to arrive and give me a breather. This has been the worst semester...not in by intensity of work per se, but more so of the amount of work and mental fatigue...and looking towards stinkin' dissertation stuff. Many of you know that I considered moving to Ireland a year or so ago...I must admit as I am sitting here not able to sleep tonight, I wonder what my life would be like now. Would I find stress even over there? I know that it probably would not live up to my idealistic standards..but would I be much happier? Who knows...I guess I should listen to the song lyrics...try not to think about what might have been... As many of you know my wondering about Ireland involves me wondering about a certain someone. Sigh... Everyone I voted for lost...how great is that. What else is there to say? My life stinks right now.