Subject: Taco Bell and Tough Love

I do not respond to tough love. Never have, probably never will. I am quite hard on myself and don't someone else to help me validate my negative self-talk. Where is this coming from? My lovely professors who are setting limits, etc with me. I overslept today...when I woke up, it took everything in me to motivate myself to actually get out of bed. The only reason I got up is that I bribed myself to McDonalds' breakfast. I have trouble getting out of bed everyday. So I am proud that I actually get myself to class..then my professor tells me in practically front of my entire cohort that since I have missed one class period already, I need to make sure that I make a better effort to be on time. I did make an effort...if I hadn't, then I wouldnt' have been there. It makes me not want to show my face in that building. I am so aggervated and feel like I have no control over my life. I do not have a choice as to whether or not I got to class, work, etc. To take a day off, is to make everyone mad and make them question my competence. That is ridiculous. Aggervation...aggervation. And you know me....I had to go try to compose myself and bite my lip during the remainder of class. Some empathy would be nice....I am experiencing stuff that we study.

Taco bell takes credit cards finally...how wonderful.:-) Now the credit card fast food place list is complete.:-)

I think I have figured out why they make doctoral progams so difficult...or at least mine. They don't make it difficult in terms of being able to do the work, but rather the amount of work expected. Anyways, the reason for this is help us relate better with our clients.:-) Let me tell you, I definitely can relate more these days.:-) Let's talk about not wanting to get out of bed and racing thoughts. Anxiety is miserable and I hate when I have thoughts that won't stop when I am trying to sleep. These days I have went to standing outside and even driving to clear my mind so I can sleep. Not that I can share all this with my clients, but my empathy for my clients has gone to a new level.:-)

Today I am so EXHAUSTED. I can barely hold my eyes open, even after consuming massive amounts of tea. My days are just too long. I have been asked several times what can give..or what will make it better...just one response...the summer...the sweet relief of the summer.

One last thought for the avid Bachelorette fans....really, can Mr. Campton embarress us anymore?

Got this off of Josh's blog. Shocking results I know. Hey, I always knew that I would make a good politician as well!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Subject: Single Awareness Day, Sunglasses theory, and what-ifs

Yes..Happy Valentine's Day or more fitting single awareness day or yucky poo poo day. Really it was not so bad today, but it is another overrated holiday. I did some baking for some friends, hung out with the girls, etc. It is much better when it is during the week because there is less pressure to do something for it. You know..in high school I didn't do so bad on Valentine's Day....got flowers three of the four. Gotta love high school..go up front during all the breaks to see if you have anything...oh the pressure.:-) They would set up extra tables up front...and I had to be careful because there were two other girls with the same name of course. You know, as a girl I think one of the things that you remember is the first person to send you flowers. PJ Sheffel was actual the first guy to send me flowers in 5th grade. They sat on my desk all day..flowers from a mysterious guy at Jackson City. Oh, that crush sure did last for a long time.

Sunglasses theory. Sorry to bore some of you, but a recent occurrence has made this theory reemerge in my mind. The theory is essentially this: men tend to only view me as a friend/sisterly type. They essentially have "sunglasses" on...they don't see that I could be dateable. That is completely ignored. The syndrome has been true for most of my life. I treasure my male friends..but for the love I am a female who could make a wonderful companion for some man one day. I am safe and they are oblivious with their "sunglasses". Frustration...frustration. Questions about the theory can be directed to me.:-)

What ifs...yeah..perhaps changing my ringtone to Little Texas's "What might have been"..was probably not a good idea on Valentine's Day. So yes...some what ifs crossed the mind. One simple decision like moving elsewhere and not pursuing graduate school could have changed entirely where I am in my life right now. What if..what if, right?

I have arrived at the conclusion that I am not suppose to watch the Bachelorette. Again..last night, I taped the show, I sat down anxious to watch the newest episode..and yeah..no sound once agin. Although, this time it happened because of a different malfunction. For the love! I have just about managed to stay at my assistantship the full time..this is quite a feat..it feels like I haven't done this in forever. It appears that I may have to start setting alarms to remind me of meetings..evidently the reminders on my handheld are not enough because I don't always look at it often enough (how old am I again???)

I think that the reason I have been putting off writing in the blog is that I don't think I have much exciting or happy to write about. I am feeling very overwhelmed this semester...like I am drowning in things to do. I am feeling like a failure at the moment. Things will get better I am sure. I must get these papers finished. I don't know what it is...you can totally get yourself to the point where you just feel like it's impossible for you to complete a task that is normally no problem for yourself. Perhaps if I could do the paper outloud and turn it in that way..hmmmm. That's me at the moment.

I am doing loads and loads of laundry. When I got to the point where I am wearing blue sleep pants...red tshirt..different color blue Breathitt sweatshirt..black socks..and tennis shoes out in public..then you know it is time to do laundry. I just had piles upon piles in my room.

After years of hearing it from others, it is only now as I am living by myself that I admit there in no denying it...I use lots of toliet paper. Although in my defense I go to the bathroom alot in terms of frequency. Double rolls are a must for me.