congrats to brandy and nick jones

a kodak moment

me and the happy bride

Question of the night: If you could do things different in the past what would you do?
I would have made photography my major in college and maybe got more formal training. I would have moved to Ireland after I graduated from college instead of graduate school. Hmmm.

Funny comment of the night: Jessica, you even can scare a psycho away.

Sadness of the night: Even when you know the heart break is coming or that the feelings are not reciprocal..it still hurts just as bad.

Lessons learned: 0-2 on the offering to move somewhere for a guy. Never again, never again...whether it's another country or another state.

I can't sleep, so I suppose that means you will get a post here. Last weekend, I went to Brandy and Nick's wedding. I must say it was a beautiful ceremony and I teared up many times throughout the day (not just because my new shoes weren't so great to my feet). In the ceremony the preacher talked about having "a list" in regards to your future mate. I had that list...a very long one growing up that I seemed to have thrown away...new list "male, straight, breathing". I am thinking I need to change that and realize that I deserve better. I am so frustrated at being alone and getting lost in my own thoughts and "what ifs" and "is this the right direction". One might say, then don't think about it. Well, that would be easier if there didn't seem to be a gaping void in my life that seems to get bigger with each day I grow older. It seems with each passing month someone new is getting married, engaged...moving away...etc. I am living life..but I don't feel like I am really "living life". I feel really lonely these days. When I am upset, I honestly don't know who to call and I hate that feeling. I need someone to take care of me. Poor Kaden..all he can do is lick off my tears. A number of things are fueling these thoughts..some of which can be explained by the following paragraph and partly by deciding to sign my lease...apply for a position at work, etc. I have been trying to steer my life in a new direction...not follow the steps of "career girl" Jessica..but what other direction does there seem to be?

Confessions. Yes, some things do not change my friends. I have made a recent confession..and I am happy to have gotten it off my chest, but really is there anything harder than saying "i love you" to someone who can't say it back? Perhaps this is why I opt to it via email or letter if I know there will not be a reciprocal response. Sometimes absense of something being said or a response begins to speak louder than an actual response, you know?

Ready for a downer...can always count on it with my blog. Sorry for that. I suppose I should avoid "trigger" times to right...such as when I am upset, late at night, when I am tired (here's the internal counselor in me...my own thoughts..not other voices mind you:-) One positive thing I can say is that I really enjoyed my drive home yesterday and back today. It is so beautiful right now in the mountains. It was like driving through a painting. O.k. I will try the sleeping thing again.

Good news on the photography front. I have two more possible weddings emerge today...and I found out that I am going to be featured in a gallery hop in June. How crazy is that? I will have images up for everyone to go see. Plus it gives me an excuse to take some more trips haha.:-) And maybe I have a reason for that new camera..or not I know.

New theory on men. Perhaps the reappear around the full moon. It happened this week..and as I have mentioned before they do tend to appear all around the same time. I will have to track this full moon theory.:-) I mean it is a known wives tale that the full moon and mental health go hand in hand. So perhaps around the full moon they have a mental health lapse and reappear. Ok..that is harsh on myself however I thought it was a bit funny. I have realized I need to cut out these inconsistent men. Yeah..the ones that go MIA for 4 weeks and come back and act like you have been dating. To be honest there is only one guy I really care about..but that's not going so well either. I am starting to evaluate that particular situation and how my emotions are a little to wide open. I am thinking that I am seeing the reality of the situation and now I am just trying to figure out what should or should not change.

Days off. Yes, I am in the middle of having a few days off. Today I got called in....so not so much a day off. I did get to have lunch with some friends from home which was really nice. Tomorrow..besides getting some photography stuff done..the main goal is to force myself to work out. I will be happy if that is the only thing I accomplish tomorrow.

So many of you have probably heard of the book that the title is something like "he's just not that into you"..well here's Jessica's signs that the men in my life are just not that into me.

1. He tells you that he has been in another country for the last 5 months...when he hasn't been.
2. He only texts/emails when he is drunk.
3 He goes MIA for 3 weeks.
4. He contacts you only for photography advice.
5. He lies about having kissed you on myspace.
6. He asks you what you are doing this week..but never actually asks you out.
7. He moves to another state.
8. He only wants to do things in group settings..because everyone at work has made him think you are in love with him (yep..this would be re: my crush).
9. He asks you out for a second date...a month later..after other girls fall through.
10. He doesn't add you as his friend on myspace.

Ok. I just thought this would be amusing. I am aware that none of the men in my life are that into me. Fun times. I should go to bed as it is an obscure hour..I hate when my sleeping gets messed up. Lost a few pounds last week..weight watchers. Dieting makes you obsess over food though..that is the one thing I hate about it. I am feeling weary these days..that is my new word to describe myself. Want to hear something funny? My irish guy...from way back when..is dating a new American. It totally makes me jealous because I feel like she is replacing all of my memories. Yes me..this is how girls can sometimes think. It is amusing..I do realize this. Enjoy your Monday.