Poor Kate..the latest on Tom Cruise and his eccentric self..

My test scores are available as indicated by the email from one of my professors..yeah he told us that they were there at 4pm on Wednesday..when the office and library closed at 4:30 until after the Thanksgiving break. Torture..torture I tell you.

For those of you who know...especially those of you who know me quite well..you will know that as I get more tired..or simply as the night progresses, I tend to get more..shall we say silly. Yeah..this is when the interpretive dancing emerges and evidently when my coordination diminishes and I tend to flap my hands like a seal. So I am sitting at home now..preparing for bed and just feeling like I had one of those days/nights where perhaps I revealed a little too much of myself too fast. It is good because yeah, I am totally being myself around this guy, but that can be a bit scary too.:-/ Perhaps there should be a rule that after a certain time I should just no longer speak at night..haha. Part of the problem lies in the fact that regardless of the time of day I tend to speak without thinking. Something that I really should work on. So what occurs as I get more tired or I am distracted (um..let's say by someone I like) then stupid, stupid things come out of my mouth. My close friends who know me well can accept this silly (o.k. perhaps even dense at times) Jessica as well as the fairly smart Jessica...and they can recognize how they go together and make me who I am. What am I getting at? I am just worried about impressions being made. Really though I suppose I shouldn't...let's be honest, I am totally being myself, so if this particular situation doesn't work out..it was not because I did not display my true colors..whether that is a good or bad thing. Now, the guy (should I come up with some sort of name to call him??) did not give any indications of anything except amusement, but you know I realize that..ah I just don't know! I guess as one of my dear friends I will be lucky to find the guy who can "handle" me..meaning take my bluntness, need to discuss emotions/thoughts as well as be appreciative of my clumsiness and silly nature. Sigh...bed time..bed time. Yes, we all know...I worry too much. (But believe it or not I do not believe I meet the DSM-IV criteria for genearlized anxiety disorder).

I survived the prelim. Honestly it was not so bad which made a bit concerned at first. I talked to a few of my classmates and they agreed...so now I am not worried that I missed some huge concept or something. There is really not much need to study for it though..let's be honest. Two hours probably would have been adequate...it is more stuff that hopefully has been ingrained by this point in the program. Perhaps the test is simply the professors way of tricking us into studying counsleing psychology stuff...hmmm. Of course I will keep you posted on the results...I have never been one to not share even bad news.

After talking with my younger sister tonight, it led to an interesting chain of thought and discussions. Basically it revolved around the fact that I have a successful career but have yet to start my own family. It is what may be called the gliche in the feminist movement. Women are expected to have the perfect career while also a full family life. Well, how are both possible..if you want to be fully successful at both? So of course it makes me consider how my life would have been different if at some point before now I had gotten married. It makes me feel like a failure is some way. I feel like it is often presented that it is a negative thing that I am 25 and still unattached. Yes, this is how I often feel, but you know there are benefits. I have a more clear sense of who I am, which is necessary in any relationship. There needs to be clear separate identity before becoming a "we". I will be a wiser mother and wife, and be able to provide more financial stability for my future children. I think it just could be a benefit in the long run because I will be more mature and have had time to do many things that "I" wanted to do. I won't have any major..what if I had done that things that sometimes influence relationships or perhaps "midlife crisis" type of things. (Not to say that I won't..but just go along with me here). Basically I am trying to convince myself that the world is not ending because I will be starting that part of my life later than what was on the timeline I had as a little girl. Just thinking outloud here. Anyways, I should stop rambling because I will probably end up going around in circles on the topic. Yes, I am single and 25...it is what it is and I can not change that. I did not actively say..hey I am putting this part of my life off, but that is what happened. Is it not possible that God's plan for me did not involve marriage and children before age 25? Yeah...quarter life crisis..just as the blog title indicates.

My sleeping..my sleeping...I would be so happy to get on a regular schedule. Let's be honest, I do enjoy sleeping, but right now my body is so messed up that it wants to sleep ALL the time and contrary to popular belief I am not happy about this. I was recently asked why I enjoy sleeping which is an interesting question. I suppose that it is not the actual sleeping that I enjoy but the feeling of being rested and fully awake. I do like lounging in bed..especially on rainy days, but how can one enjoy sleeping? Sleeping by its very nature is mindless...not really an activity when you think about it and I definately do not enjoy dreaming...I would be perfectly fine if I never remembered any of my dreams because they often make me feel as if I was still awake all night. As you can see, I am awake. I actually went to sleep for a few hours, then woke back up wide awake and layed there for about an hour at which point I decided I would be more productive sitting and staring at the APA ethic code. Maybe after the new schedule at work does begin...it will get a bit better...or not..we will see.

Another question I was presented recently that I continue to consider is the question of what would make me happy? I am not neccessarily horribly unhappy at the moment, so I suppose what would make me happier is the best way to look at it. This is a big question, and I will continue to think on it.

My big ole test is on Friday. I am concerned very much about it. All I can do at this point is continue to review and hope to goodness that something has sunk in over the last million years of school. So, the guy...things are continuing to go well. I got flowers yesterday out of the blue..how thoughtful was that. Let's be honest, I am starting to really like him, but I am noticing some self imposed anxiety as I begin to enjoy spending time around him more. Really, it's like I don't know how to act when a guy is geuninely pursuing getting to know me and making an effort. How sad is that and how does that reflect on my past matters of the heart? In a way, I suppose that I am afraid to open myself up and allow myself to admit any emotions that I am having (yes, how contradictory of me as the counselor). It is a fear of getting hurt. However, that is what trying out dating/relationships is about. You can't get any of the good without the possiblity of the bad. It is inevitable that some hurt will happen, but it is just deciding that the positive that will be experienced is worth that hurt. Now indicating that it is inevitable that there will be hurt does not mean that I am dooming and glooming before I even know what will or will not progress, rather I am acknowledging that any human relationship often has moments of hurt feelings..this is even true in close friendships. Yeah, so I like him..it is at the fun part where I want to spend time with him whenever I can and I get the butterflies in the stomach. I am trying to push out the thoughts of being hurt and enjoy what emotions are there at the moment..have fun with it because really finding someone you like..even for a little bit..can be a rareity (is that a word..i am not sure?). So not really to share too much, but we did share our first kiss and I think it is an affirmative on the kissing compatibility. I did think I was going to have a panic attack waiting for the kiss to actually occur..but it did.:-) Now I should go and stop rambling..I think I will try sleeping on the couch now since the bed doesn't seem to be working tonight. I did finally put my sheets on my bed (after like a week), but for whatever reason I can't get to sleep in there tonight. So..yeah..good night.

So, I am officially moved. I must say that I really like my new apartment...although moving was a pain trying to do it in between everything else...work, etc. I now live in Oak Grove apartments...essentially 3 minutes away...big move I know..haha. No, I am feeling a bit guilty about spending more money on an apartment, but you know I really like the place and I feel completely safe here. Kaden is a bit freaked out being in a new place. He is worrying me a bit in that he doesn't seem to be eating well yet. Yeah, he also ate an imodium ad the other night..had to call the emergency doggie line to make sure that he wasn't going to die. He lived to share the tale and I am sure that he will continue to eat anything odd that he finds.

Work is work. It has been stressful recently. I just am feeling a bit burned out by the place at the moment. Need a few days with no calls or contact at all. A little hard for that to happen though when I am supervisor on-call..hmmm. I have a HUGE test this Friday, so that is what I am doing the next 3 days...I am studying, studying, and studying. I must be one with counseling psychology until the end of the week. I feel like I should be more concerned than I am, but alot of it I feel like I should already know and it should be ingrained by this point...we shall see on Friday I suppose. If I do fail..I think they give me one more chance...I think.

Yeah, so I am still talking with the same guy. What to share and what not to share..this is the question. (notice I threw out a high school label there "talking"). It is so hard to know how to label things because everyone defines things differently. Anyways, we are getting to know one another if you will. I suppose the easiest way to describe it is by just saying he is someone that I can think and it makes me smile..even when I am crazy busy at work. It is the fun stage of getting to know someone. I did a bit of my "verbal vomitting" tonight and shared concerns I had. To be quite honest, I am just not used to not having a guy run after a week..that I don't know how to react...so I do with some paranoia. I guess over the past few days I have been wondering if perhaps he is still around because of some obligation or "charity case"...meaning because it is the nature of a set up...someone setting up mutual friends. So, of course I blurt these thoughts out without thinking first...in typical Jessica fashion. He was a bit speechless..which is rare for him (yes..I think he talks just as much as I do)..but I think from his reaction that (?maybe?) that is not the case. Getting to know someone can be fun..but you know it can also have its stressful moments. By this I mean, the overanalyzing things you said and/or did. Those moments...like in Dirty Dancing "I carried a watermelon" times. Those times when you are like..yeah..not so slick (although..am I ever slick..let's be honest). I had one of those moments tonight. So, yeah, I kissed him on the cheek. Now the kiss on the cheek can be a complicated thing. Some people kiss everyone on the cheek and it is no big deal..so why do I feel like it was the most awkard moment ever? Yeah, "so I carried a watermelon". Fun times, fun times. (For those of you who don't understand...you should go rent Dirty Dancing and watch it today). I will stop rambling and go to bed now so that I wake up energized and ready to soak up all the knowledge of psychology that I can find...yeah...off to bed now.

I think I may have completed the busiest weekend I have ever worked in the assessment office at the Ridge. Now, there may have been busier actual days, but not the weekend in its entirety. As you can imagine, I am exhausted. More than anything I am feeling mentally drained right now. My job can be contradictory at times. I mean part of what has led me to working in mental health is a compassion and concern for others. (Although do not even think about putting that in a personal statement when applying to programs). I guess I sometimes feel like some of that gets lost in the systematic tasks I complete...especially on out of control nights like tonight. I am totally focused on getting this patient in, calming this person down, returning that call...that part of it gets lost I suppose. I know, I hope that I am helping people, but tonight I am so drained that I have to reassure myself that. I suppose some of this questioning comes from the remainder of the hospital often treating the assessment office as the center of evil or something. It seems that I have gotten yelled at a lot this weekend..not by patients believe it or not..but other employees..mostly nurses in the hospital. What is frustrating is that I am working my butt off..by myself up front and doing a fairly damn good job and all I get is literally yelled at over the same tedious things that truly I can not change short of having multiple clones of myself..or of course better staffing. I am not meaning to complain more about work, but more trying to gather my thoughts on what I am or am no accomplishing at work. Am I making any sense or are my thoughts just not all connecting at this insane hour?

So, I had a first and second date this weekend. Had lunch with the nice guy that I had mentioned previously. I have been enjoying myself. One thing I was discussing with a friend is something I have discovered in just hanging out with this guy a couple of times. I have been majorly settling and making excuses for guys who were flat out not making the effort that they should have and hanging out with guys that really I was not that interested in just for the sake of hoping something would evolve..that wasn't even there at all. I guess what I am trying to say that I suppose there are some nice guys out there who will actually make an effort to get to know me and seem genuine in their interactions. (and that can even be someone that I am interested in too...) Simple concepts..I know. Yet it has been awhile since I have felt the mutual effort and enjoying of one another's company. Now, I am hoping that I am not jinxing anything by discussing this, but all I am simply trying to say is that maybe there is hope for men yet..haha (regardless of where this current situation evolves or doesn't evolve). So, have you noticed my efforts to keep this discussion completely neutral because you never know who will be reading it? And you know what truly sucks about dating is being like, well I like them...do they like me?

Anyways, Kaden continues to eat strange objects. He ate all the beads and sequins off one of my shirts. Yes, fun times having a dog and getting reminded of what used to make your shirt cute each time he goes to the bathroom. O.k. I am going to sleep now.

Oh and last but note least..Lisa and David have set a date...May 13th. Dude, she is on the ball! Got a place and even a dress now..fun times.

FYI..for those of you who haven't looked in a while...I have some updated pictures on my website..http://sweb.uky.edu/~jdcamp2/.

Kaden....he may be the devil, but I have to admit he is a cute devil.

What is frustrating about the messed up hours is the fact that even though I have the same time that I would on a normal work schedule, I tend to waste more time not doing anything on my days off. It doesn't feel as if I got anything accomplished today..oh wait, a few loads of laundry and massive amounts of sleeping. Oh well..new day tomorrow and must be productive. The agenda? Jenny Craig meeting (sigh..not been good this week..but I must go in..show my face and get the guilt rolling), study group (sigh..again, increase my anxiety level on the fact that I have not been studying more) and clean my house (sigh...just because I don't want to do it).

I have been having long telephone conversations with the friend of Laura. I suppose I should come up with a more creative code name for him, but haven't decided what that should be yet. He has a rather common name..one of my friends jokingly said it sounded made-up. Have my friends started setting me up with pretend people now? Well, this could have been the case until I received an actual phone call. If Laura is putting someone up to it..then the person must have lots of free time..or perhaps they are getting paid by the hour..hence the reason for the long conversations. LOL. It is fun to have long telephone conversations because it is something that I don't do much of anymore. It seems that the internet has taken the place of some of that. It is fun though...and it is fun getting to know someone. It makes me feel like I am middle school or grade school again. Remember that? I would have total telephone marathons...we are talking 8-12 hour shifts..and then the excitement of 3-way calling. Maybe this was just a thing that I did...so if you think it sounds odd remember that I lived in the middle of nowhere...i.e. 45 minutes from the nearest town and spent most of my time cut off from others at the "head of hollar"..hence telephone conversations = contact with the real world.:-) Small tangent...anyways, I realized that I am nervous about meeting him on Friday, so I have decided that maybe we should just stick to phone conversations. If things progress, we could just have a relationship over the phone..or just become friends over the phone. Why destroy a good thing going? Haha, of course I am joking. Why am I nervous? It has nothing really to do with expectations of anything like that, more just a learned behavior/fear. I have had many negative experiences with meeting the opposite sex here lately (i.e. chip, 2005, match.com). Yes, I am going to start referencing bad dates by the year and website..haha...I think it's funny, although not quite APA format. Yes, I am nervous and I think many of us experience the same feelings, I just tend to be a little vocal about all these thoughts.

I realize that I may be sounds a bit neurotic, so I am going to go to bed now. I hope that my random thinking at least made some of you laugh today (and didn't run some of you off).