I have often joked that it would not be good for my negative outlook on love to be doing 15 weddings this year. That it may be depressing. Well, I had my first wedding of the year yesterday. And I must say... I really do enjoy taking wedding pictures. It is so neat to be an outsider standing so close on such a special day. I just think it is neat to get to share and capture a couple's special day. This wedding was neat because it was extremely laid back. If I get married and if I do a formal wedding then I hope that my reception has a similar feel to it. Not rushed and everyone simply enjoying spending time with one another..as the dj said almost like a big family dinner. And you know, I do tear up at moments, but not in a depressing way..but in a how great it was to capture that moment on the bride's face. Typically the couples are so happy..and it is so precious to witness that happiness. It provides balance to my other job..where people are seeing me at their worst.

This week is the life of Jessica.

- I realized I do not like but a select hamburger helper meals. I decided that I was going to force myself to buy more food to cook and of course I did not make a wise selection. I am thinking of designating a night each week to cook for my friends. I sure need to start doing something..I am so sick of eating the same things: eggos, soup, sandwiches, and throw in some cereal.

- I booked my vacation flight. And..I am going to...drum roll...Ireland.:-) I am going April 17-26..flying into Dublin. I will have to figure out the details of what I want to do now. As long as I relax and get some good pictures..then I will be happy.

- I am shooting a wedding tomorrow. I am a bit nervous as I am before any event. Wish me luck.

- Isn't life strange? It is so bizarre how one day someone is in your life..and then they are not. I know you shouldn't but it makes you question the geunine"ness" of the relationship. Today it has been a month since I have spoken to a certain someone. Where to go from here?

It is a nice day to stay in...so I am enjoying the day and just relaxing in a nice warm house. It has been a fairly busy week. Lots of hanging out with various friends this week. After watching Brothers and Sisters last week, I think the term was coined well "man fast" so that shall be the name I will use for this time of not dating. I haven't done any dating in well over a month now..thinking I may not date for a few more months..but I haven't decided for certain yet. Really, right now I just haven't been worrying about it and it is nice. I think I could do without all the dating and the heartbreak, but I suppose where my worry is concerned is of being single and not meeting anyone..ever. It seems like it is so easy for everyone around me...it seems to fall into place and the first people they meet..that's it. It is wonderful for them..but disheartening for me. With all that being said..I am trying to focus on myself..and feeling better and content. I am enjoying sleeping in the center of the bed, watching whatever I want, laying on the couch when I want and going on trips wherever and when I want to.:-) I also went and worked out today. With my sporadic working out 20 minutes on the eliptical machine is extremely difficult. Goal for the week: work out everyday. If I do this then I know I will be able to build up my working out more.

Few things. I woke up angry this morning. Isn't it so strange that you can carry over the emotions from your dream to the next day? I think it funny to wake up angry about something that was only a dream. Anyways. Today was another long day at work. I am glad that I have been somewhat productive this evening. I have to get up early in the morning to go to the dentist. Yes, Happy Valentine's Day to me...going to the dentist. I mean really the dentist and Valentine's Day..does it get any worse for a single gal?:-) I was watching some shows last night...a day delayed of course...and I realized that I am sort of jealous of Kitty on Brothers and Sisters. She is well put together and articulate..and yet very human at the same time...she is a character I would like to be. However I suspect I am more on the lines of Susan from Desperate Housewives. What do you think? Ok. I will stop the rambling.

I am so exhausted tonight and perhaps that is why I am feeling a bit emotional. Today was a long day at work. I get so frustrated when I think about men. (insert growl here). My experiences with men over the past few years has led me to a few conclusions. First I am a dang good back-up girl. I am great to have there for advice, for daily companionship...etc..etc. Second, I don't know if I can trust my instincts and emotions anymore. What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, feels like a dog may still be a cat in the eyes of the male gender. Men have to learn the impact of emotional intimacy with a woman and the power of it. Third when I meet a man who appreciates me fully for who I am- a girl with no sense of direction that will not think twice of going to a foreign country alone, someone who is tends to be a few minutes late, a girl who loves who makes dense off the wall statements (see previous blog entries for examples..i.e. i applied to transy) but is still intelligent nonetheless, someone who will make you laugh at one breath and cry at the next, someone who is a realistic and believes in communication is the key to relationships, a girl who is anxious and does not hesitate to share thoughts and emotions - then I will marry him (of course taken into account that there is some attraction and he meets other criteria:-).

Well, I must admit that I was even more tired at the end of this week. Not sure why, but dragging my butt out of the bed on Friday was indeed a struggle. I have to start going to bed even earlier than I have been I suppose. Ondi came up this weekend...so that was nice. Yesterday I finally went and spent my Christmas money. Yes, I have held onto it for over a month.:-) I got all the things that make a girl happy: a new purse, new shoes, and new perfume. I hadn't bought a new purse in nearly a year..so that was exciting and I have been looking at this purse for nearly 6 months. So, my new scent is going to be Burberry Brit. I had heard it smelled nice and wore it around for awhile..and then it was meant to be.

I must be honest that I have been doubting my photography stuff here lately and wondering if I am getting in over my head this summer. I guess the doubts are related to a bridezilla that eventually cancelled her services with me. I really invest so much in what other people think and I really must stop doing that.

What else in new. I am thinking about purchasing my vacation tickets this week..pretty sure I am going to go in April and I am going to go solo. Will keep you posted on the destination. If you a regular myspace stalker/browser..whatever you will..I have posted some new pics and changed it up a bit. Oh...you might not have a life if you answer the phone calls from your high pitched blocking their number stalker - yep that's me.

So..here's your funny image of the night: me decked out in my strawberry longjohn pjs dancing around the house with my ipod on. Yes..what an ipod commercial that would make. Jamming to my "man hating" music. Today has felt like a long day. I worked..then came home and crashed for a bit. I really did not want to get up, but made myself get up after 9..thought about sleeping through till morning. Basically I had some stuff to do for supervision. I am going to finish up some reading and actually crash again soon. I really wanted to call my friend that I am not allowed to talk to today. First time I have cried in quite a few days was today on the way home. It just struck me how much I wanted to call someone and how not fair it is. Of course I didn't as the numbers are taken hostage (just kidding..I gave the numbers over). I want to follow through with this to show that I can actually keep my word and try to do what is best for me. What's best is not always easy though is it? I miss him.

As my students loans go into payment this month and I am now paying for supervision...money is more tight. Therefore I have been making cuts. Again, I have said there are some things that you can go with the generic brand and some things you can't. I have downgraded my toliet paper and perhaps this was not a smart move. Since I downgraded to the 99 cents stuff...first I seem to be having to buy it much more often and I use more of it. I may have to upgrade again. Kaden will not eat generic treats..so I can't save money there either. Really I have several other brands...but the only thing he will eat is Beggin' Strips. He will sniff and walk away from anything else. For the love.

V-day is approaching. Perhaps I will host a girls night...I mentioned it to one friend. I really don't know anyone else who would come though..everyone else would have plans I suppose. Well, I have music line-up already..just go to work-out music on my ipod. Speaking of which, really I must force myself to go tomorrow. I will keep you posted on that.

Made changes to my top ten places to live where it is warm..it is not top eleven places. Some of you will find the change amusing I think.:-)

I have decided that if I move again..I want an apartment with hardwood floors. I have this perfect apartment in mind..that I am quite sure I will be unable to find in Lexington..and if I were to find it, I would not be able to afford it. I want an apartment that is perhaps in an older home or building..that has been fixed up. So..I would like the hardwood floors, huge windows, french doors, old fashioned bathtub..but also new nice appliances and nice counter tops. Yes, this is what I want. How cool would it be if I could just purchase an older place and fix it up to my likings? Yes, it would be cool, but expensive and not practical. A friend of mine is moving out of this one older home and it is just making me fall in love with the idea. An older home that I could make part of my studio..if it was partitioned correctly. One of those little places closer to downtown..which would make it good for business. Like I said..not practical though..and too expensive.

I have discovered that evidently I do have lots of friends and plenty of things to do now that I have normal hours.:-) Every day since my new schedule has started I have had something to do..it's a bit crazy. Of course last night I elected to stay home. I was so tired from the week..so I came home and caught up on all of my television shows and was in bed well before 11pm. Yes, can you believe I was in bed that early? Really..that was a struggle. I would like to have crashed by 8pm to be honest. Anyways, I am finding myself in better spirits since I am regaining a social life. I had dinner with friends, hung out with friends, went to Bible Study, helped a friend move, etc. etc. It is nice to be able to have a life again. I think that my schedule was affecting me more than I realized. And you know this may just be an influx of things to do because everyone realizes I am suddenly available at normal hours, but I am hoping that it will continue to be like this. Maybe a little less busy:-) but still seeing and visiting with friends. It is good for me...you know I am such a extrovert so I strive off of social interaction. It is good for the depression too: stay busy and interacting. I am preparing to jump in the shower and get ready to go to dinner with friends. Tomorrow a movie and a super bowl party at Lisa's. Busy, but fun. Good for me definately.

6 months. This is the new rule that Stacey and Nick have proposed for my healing and well being. No dating for 6 months roughly. And by dating..well they mean pretty much an significant contact with the male species. It is not really hard to begin this as I have pretty much removed all barriers as of current. Of course I have imposed some exclusionary criteria...of which are still being debated. For instance, does it only count within the country, etc. :-) I may take a trip to Europe in a few months..Ireland...Italy..not completely sure yet, so we must make sure we are clear on all the guidelines. I may fall in love in Venice and never return...who knows. And well I love Ireland the country in general so all it would take would be one wink from some Irish lad and I would be gone forever.:-) However these are considerations with the 6 month rule. I haven't decided if I am going to contract to this option, however either way I know that I need to take a break from dating and my heart needs to heal so that one day I can have it to give again. Anyways, let's all ponder on this.

New schedule, new hours. It is going well so far I think. My stomach doesn't ache so much in the mornings, although I don't feel like I am getting enough sleep. Why you ask? Am I not going to bed early enough? I suppose that part of it is that I am not getting into bed till around midnight, but another huge part of it is has to do with my dear lovely dog. Since my new schedule has started he has decided that he will not sleep in the bed. He jumps off and whines and jumps off and whines. Really, this is his way to get me to sleep on the couch and of course I cave because all I long for it sleep by that point. So I have slept every night on the couch this week..ugh.

I have a new favorite cologne for men. Realities. I love the scent! My crush from work wears it. So that of course leads to do I like the scent because it smells good or because he's wearing it..or should I say this is the question my coworkers asked. They insist if he was wearing manure..then I would still like it..haha. The ironic thing is that my "crush" whom I am also friends with..whom is now working in my office..is someone that I don't have a chance in the world with is wearing a cologne that makes me melt called "realities". Because the reality is that my crush is pointless.:-) Oh, well does there have to be a point in crushes? He is a hot, sincere, huge hearted, intelligent guy..who doesn't know he's all these things..so if anything he can give me hope in the male species.

Speaking of the male species. I really am sticking to this no guy thing..I have no guys in my life at all right now. Strangeness it is (that sounds very Yoda like doesn't it?). 6 days without talking to you know who. It is hard because he is/was (who knows that status) one of my best friends. You get used to sharing things with someone..and then are not there to share it with..it's hard. Funny how when something happens it doesn't seem real till you can share it with someone. Then it stinks because you can't share it with the one person you want to. Sigh. Life.