Lexington. There are perks and drawbacks to living in a city. Well, I discovered a drawback in my attempts to get a md appointment today. I called to someone to whom I had been referred..and was told it would be a week. The receptionist asked..what brings you in...I mean does it really matter if I am going to have to wait a week? So, I replied some burning in my chest at times...to which she said that I should go to the emergency room. Uh..no..I am not going to go make a fool out of myself by going to the ER for no good reason because a person with probably limited medical background suggested it. So, I called another place and got into today. Per the EKG (doesn't that sound so serious..although really not..it took like 2 minutes of strange things attached randomly to my body) my heart is doing ok. Diagnosis? Well, the preliminary (pre-blood tests) results suggest anxiety...rearing it's ugly face in a new way with rapid heart beating..and perhaps heart burn. I am following up later this week with being poked and prodded to make sure everything else is ok. Which leads into my next discussion.

Psychotropic medications. I am by no means against them and think they can do a lot of good. However, I am questioning whether I should continue taking them in light of my apparent predisposition to health concerns. Are the benefits outweighing the negative? Isn't this the question central to most debates. The problem is becoming that I no longer can remember what it is like to feel ok. Is the persistent nausea and periods of light headed feelings medication related or not? Am I more tired because of the medication or is there a creeping depression returning? Am I more anxious on the medications or off the medications? I just keep adding more medications to treat the symptoms that are arising from the other medications. It is becoming a circle that I don't know if I want to be on yet. The question I am asking right now is whether to stay on psychotropic medications...or not. And more importantly the particular medications I am on. I did not have this many side effects on Lexapro at all...after a while I could barely tell physically that I was taking it.

Feelings. It is so strange how you can care about someone on so many different levels. In many situations it is only smart to guard our feelings...however the act of guarding them creates new emotions and can create new barriers. And even more so men are scared of the emotions that women would like to throw upon them. Wow...I could drive myself crazy with my analysis of everything! The scary thing...many women are probably following my line of thought and understand. Yes, men you are seeing into the scary yet fascinating female psyche. So my love life situation: 1 guarded feelings towards someone that i care about, 1 unreasonable yet fun crush on a coworker...oh if only that mere exposure effect often mentioned in psychology would kick in..haha, 1 fleeting thought of what might have been (sing along..try not to think about what might have been), 1 thought of considering doing speed dating, and that would be it. No actively seeking anything out..what is there is there. My hesitation with the speed dating is that my self esteem might not be in a good place for that. Oh another random note: it would appear that I am the acquaintance/sorority sister that you contact/try to date after you break up with your girlfriend...3 times people. Strangeness.

My dog. Yes, he was a poop eating dog again this weekend and I put the smack down...who knows if it did any good. I do not condone eating of poop in my household.

Photography. Someone asked me if I had passed on the idea of pursuing it. Not really. What happens is that as I research and look more into it...I am intimidated and question my ability to be successful as a photographer. I know that I am comparing myself to individuals that may have many more years of experience, training..and better equipment..but it is my competition. I get overwhelmed in thinking how I could get it started. Photography is where my heart is...but psychology appears to be where my bread and butter is at the moment.

Boring you. I am sure that is probably occurring as I continue on my rambling...perhaps anxious driven ranting.