You know what I have truly craved here recently? I have craved for someone to be around who truly "listens" when I talk. Now I do not expect everyone in my life to pay full attention and take in my words..an example, my coworkers..they are not expected to fill this role. Although I think I have been sharing more than average with them because it feels like there isn't anywhere else to share it and it feels like I am there so much..therefore it happens by default. I do have a few select friends who really "listen" and are "there" when I talk..specifically I think of around 4...but they either live in other places or we just are not around each other as much. I have lots of people in my life who when I am trying to share what is going on in my life..I can see the zoning out and selective listening. People...my phrase that is a amusing..you have to remember that I am a freakin' counselor for a freakin' living. Translation: I am hypersensitive to reading people and picking up on nonverbals. This is to not say that I am analyzing those in my life..but it is fairly in my face when someone is not really listening. Bottom line: I need companionship in some form in my life..and it is lacking at the moment. I hate the feeling of something happening and really not knowing anyone to call and share it with.

Men. I am coming to the realization that I am viewed as the expendable girl you keep around. You know the girl you see sometimes who is nice enough..but not really someone that makes you want to be with only her? Yeah..I think that's me. I have many men in my life who like to go on a date here and there..but make sure they plug in that email or phone call perhaps once a month to keep them on the radar. And they only come around in flocks...they are all around..or they are all MIA. I want to be the one that matters to someone..the one that they put first and consider first. I will not subject you to my rantings further of what I want..but clearly this is not it.

What have I been up to? Well, I have been working and editing pictures in between. Good news...I am going to go to New York City for the first time in November...yah! I am meeting a dear friend there and we are going to just explore the city for a few days..and I of course am looking forward to taking pictures. My stalker is sporadically still around it appears. My dog continues to eat his own poop. And..yeah..I am so excited about the starting of the new shows for the fall. I think I realized how sad my life might be when it makes my world go round that Grey's Anatomy is back on.

The true irony of depression..or feeling down is that you are much better off around other people..emotional, etc..however the core of depression is being withdrawn from others. I would not diagnose myself with major depressive d/o..but i am dealing with some situational depression right now..that is for sure. The good before the bad though...Natalie got married yesterday. It was a lovely ceremony and everything went smoothly. As all of my friends have, Natalie made a beautiful bride as well.

Now, how to a transition back into depression? Haha. Ok. My last blog was a bit vague, so here's the breakdown. I am feeling down, lonely, and frustrated for the following situations in my life.

1. Work..I am feeling a lot of pressure at work due to various factors. That is the extent to which I will go into it via the web.

2. Heartbreak. I am feeling much unneccessary heartbreak. I think the only way to describe it is heartbreak..even if nevertheless heartbreak that shouldn't be occurring. What do I mean by "shouldn't be" occurring? Well, I mean that I think this was resolved and I despise wasting thoughts, tears, and sadness when it is completely unreciprocated. (and just an update: every other man in my life is MIA as well...shocking..really..but it's probably best for them to be honest)

3. Appearance. I feel like the freakin' marshmellow girl right now..or like that girl that blows up to be a blueberry on Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Lovely feeling I tell you. Disgusted with how I look and hating every picture of myself does not even begin to be the tip of the iceberg.

4. Stalker. I think I have a stalker or at least someone who likes to block their number, call quite regularly and just sit on the other line. That makes a girl feel real safe I tell you. After four weeks, I am fairly certain it is not a series of coincidential calls that appear to be the same person but isn't. Not adding well to everything.

5. Some member of my family are crazy. They truly are..again won't go into details, but trust me on this one.

That is me. Not feeling so up to par right now. It will pass..I know..but I wish it would much quicker. And..to top it all off..my younger brother is dealing with the first real heartbreak of his life. You know, as a counselor..I am all like..embrace the emotions..talk about the emotions..but sometimes I think the world would be a better place without heartbreak.

Me = sad, lonely, irritable..and all out emotional. Beware. I will provide details at a later date.

As I know many of you check my blog in an ongoing effort to procrastinate from work..here's another opportunity for you. I did quite a few changes to my photography website..check it out jessicacampbellphotography.com and let me know what you think! Note: it doesn't work well in motzilla...really...I am not the website savy..so give me props for it working well in internet explorer.

Also...there are two statments pertaining to moving away/going away, etc. from someone you care about. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight, out of mind. For me I feel that the growing fonder seems to apply to me in at least 4/5 circumstances. Song of the week..and my new ringtone: "Leave the Pieces" by the Wreckers. Fits my current mood well.

Ever wonder what happens to those bullies from childhood? Well..they don't disappear..they grow up and sometimes become your boss. That tells you how work is going. An ant under a magnifying glass..that is how I feel..and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. I just don't understand people who are so insecure with themselves that they always have to have someone to try to scrutinize and make their life miserable..I have seen it done for 3 years..and I guess I am just now on the receiving end of it. And it is not all in my head..that has been confirmed. Know of any good jobs..for the love..please send them my way. I am tempted to quit and waitress again. I just don't care.

Great day today..great day as you can tell. Confirmed that I am to watch my every move at work, heartbroken, and feeling more lost than ever. I feel so lost as to what direction to go. Everything continues to seem to confirm that something needs to change..down to my job.

Lesson of the day: men require soap when they shower. Not body wash..soap. Funny..I would never have thought of that. Once upon a time I used only bars of soap..but now I have become the picture of a girly girl when it comes to bath products..along the way the bar of soap went MIA.

Sorry I haven't been on top of it with the posts here lately. For a few weeks, I got a bit caught up with work..the photography..and other stuff of course. I love the photography thing..but wow..it can keep me busy on my days off sometimes. Many of you are probably at home..seeing as it is Labor Day and many people get to the enjoy the day off. Somehow..I have never had jobs that granted me Labor Day off...I can't really remember a Labor Day I was off..unless I requested specifically the day off. Ah well..I go in a t 5 and time and a half baby..woohoo. It might be casual day too..wow..could I get to wear jeans to work today? It is questionable as to whether or not my office is allowed to fully observe the casual day..as I am one of the first people you see..and the whole counseling thing, etc. etc. However, to be honest I see people at the worst..so me in jeans and nice shirt usually is still a step up (which is the general rule of thumb with counseling and what to wear: keep yourself one step up from the client for respect, etc.).

What's really going on with me? Yes, I have been busy, but today is seeming to be a hard day for me. I hate having feelings for someone that I know I shouldn't and that can not be fully reciprocated. I am feeling really down today..and the majority of it has to do with someone moving. Mr. Conservative (as many of you know him as) is moving back to WV today...and the decision to move was made only in the last few weeks. Now..if this was someone I saw every once in awhile..talked to a few times a week..maybe this wouldn't be a big deal..but that is not the case. This is someone that serves as one of my closest friends..granted even if it is "weird" and someone I obviously have strong emotions for. I know this is honestly a good thing for me..but it sure doesn't feel that way at all. I need to move beyond something that just isn't happening..but that doesn't mean that it is easy or I necessarily want to do that. I mean really..I want to move to WV too..but how desperate, pathetic..and eventually disastrous is that? Everyone knows that a girl can't move someone to be closer to someone..especially a guy. It creates more feelings that one doesn't have the right to feel. My rule of thumb in regards to men and moving somewhere to be closer to them is that it has to be clear that there is a viable possibility of the relationship developing beyond its current state and that I am on the same page with the other individual. Now, no one can guarantee anything when it comes to matters of the heart, however I know there needs to be some semblance of an agreed upon "us" or at least a dating status before I will move somewhere for somebody..or at least that is my current rule. (I suppose was considering moving to Ireland a few years back..but there is the whole me loving that country..pace of life, etc.. component there too...let's be honest WV is not so different that I can play that card!). Nevertheless, today I feel sad, alone, and somewhat heartbroken for some reason. Why these emotions? Well, the moving indicates that he doesn't see anything viable between us at the moment and I fear that I am losing any chance of that now with the move. I fear that I will be forgotten and pushed out of the picture of the many hometown girls waiting to pounce him (and you may think I am exaggerating..but I assure you not...just ask me for details). I just need a day of crying that is all.

Perhaps some rantings will help my mood. Rant #1: Dropping the l-bomb(i.e. i love you). I get so annoyed with people who frivolously use the word..and prematurely make the statement..Especially those of us who are adults. Yes, we all threw around the word in high school, but for me for...to use that statement/word..it really means something now. When people go around just saying it like there's no tomorrow..it takes away from the value of the statement when said by those of us who don't use it so sparingly. End of story..it annoys me. Rant #2: Men. General topic I know. I get frustrated because I do go on dates..and have these men that come and go..but nothing substantial. I have had two men pop out of nowhere after like 5-6 months...just a "how are you doing?" Do they have fun in the summer and look for someone to hang out again with in the winter? (The opposites of bears I guess..or maybe not..maybe they are looking for someone to "hibernate" with). I also get annoyed by men who say they want to get together..then don't call. Don't say you want to do something this weekend and then be MIA..simply lie or don't' mention it..really don't dig your hole deeper. (sigh) I just want a guy who will make an effort..and when/if ever I meet someone who really likes me..they will..I know...but I just get frustrated with all the rest in the meantime. Anyways, don't mean to be a downer..just feeling that way today. I am trying to plan a trip to give me something to look forward to..potentially Ireland..I have actually tried for tickets on priceline..with no success yet. I will probably buy one after this upcoming payday...if they are still reasonable. I guess that will determine if I should go or not...if the prices are still reasonable this Thursday..then it is ok for me to go. Plus..really..it is a way for me to get some good shots for my photography stuff. A good friend of mine..in the Junior League..has asked me to consider being in a gallery hop..as in have some of my pics displayed..a trip to Ireland means a lot of pictures. Basically what I had in mind for the trip was possibly renting a car (questionable whether I should attempt driving on the "wrong" side of the road) and visiting several cities..just basically taking in the scenery..really no major plans. Sounds great..but we will see. What is my hesitancy? Well, I am laying everything else out..Going to Ireland means that I would see "Irish boy"..And anytime we see someone that we used to date..well we worry about what impression we will have on them. I have gained a few pounds since I last saw him..and basically that is the root of it. I may only see him one day of the trip but I don't want him to have a bad memory of me..silly, huh? But you all know that you think the same way(at least you girls should know what i am talking about! If you know you are going to run into so and so from high school..you want to look your best..this is the same concept. Enough self disclosure for the day..I will go cry some more and try to lay down again perhaps.