This PhD program in which I am enrolled is a scientist/practice model. I had often wondered how much of that "scientist" was in me...but my recent thoughts lead me to believe it is there. (Perhaps I should share this with my profs who so eagerly want me to get career counseling). I so very much want to send a survey/follow-up study to the guys who decide they don't want to date me. I need numbers and facts to help me figure out where I am going wrong in this world of dating and love. It could be simple...I think it could be considered a valid measure, although it would be impossible to check for validity. Let's see what it could look like:

Please check the following reasons why you are not romantically interested in Jessica:

__ she has friend engraved on her forehead
__ i am not physically attracted to her
- if checking this one...please check on the following options:
___ weight
___ height
___ just not there
__ she talks way too much
__ she is too intelligent
__ she is not smart/intellectual (i.e. artsy fartsy) enough
__ she is weird dog girl/did she have to talk about the dog so much?
__ she was psychoanalyzing me....I know it
__ she can't cook
__ she is not into sports enough
__ she is too liberal
__ her schedule was impossible to work around
__ she needed to chill out with the communication
__ the interpretive dancing that emerges late at night
__ spilling things on herself
__ picking things up with her toes
__ sucking her upper lip to her nose
__ mentioning irish boy too much

(ok..i am getting a bit carried away here)

Comments:

See it would be simple and easy and I would have an idea of what was going on. What makes me good at making friends but HORRIBLE at romantic situations.

So there are my random thoughts before I go to sleep and sleep on my first day off. Next blog: look for updates on the changing ideas Jessica has for her dissertation. (You are on the edge of your seat..I know it).

Do you ever wonder the roots of low self-esteem? I am sure that it has always existed, but I wonder if it is even more wide spread in the current society of super thin models and our diets that contribute to being overweight. I bring this up because in regards to my body..I do consider myself to have low esteem...so if you will low body esteem. (In counseling we differentiate between self-esteem and body esteem). But my question is, is it really possible to look in the mirror and not think you are attractive or handsome. Admit it, all of you have looked in the mirror and thought yeah...I am attractive. I mean would we all look in the mirror so much if that wasn't the case. If there was no one around to compare our selves to...would we be ok with ourself? Where is this coming from you ask. Well, I was just in the bathroom at work, and I looked in the mirror and thought you look pretty. But I wonder if what I see is what other people see..hmmm. I think that I see myself more attractive than I am. Confusion.

Again..where does this random chain of thoughts originate? Well, I was thinking of my recent string of dating like it was my part time job. I am going to have to come up with names for them..so you know who I am referencing. First there is foreign boy. Now I thought that maybe he was liking me..met him..he was contacting me nearly every day..but no..now I know it is painfully clear he only likes me as a friend. I think it is because I am overweight. No joke...really do think that is the deal breaker. There there is librarian guy...that continues to go slowly. Don't know if anything is yet there...we really haven't spent much time together..and I cancelled on him last week. There is the guy in which I am smitten with..you should know who this one is..but don't think he feels the same way. He has made reference to the fact that we may do something this week..but I haven't heard from him. Then there is "ole' boy" that used to be in my life that is now engaged. Yes, after..what 3 months. I don't care how much time you spend together in 3 months that is still a huge irrational leap to be taking. Moving in together ok...still fast, but ok. Getting married, I mean really...you have no clue who that other person really is. Again, not my life though. I think I am going to take a vow to be single. I am so sick of getting hurt and crying over stupid men who don't deserve my tears. Jaded...tired..that is how I feel about dating. Also a few things I have learned thus far in this process. "I just don't want a relationship" in guy language means "I don't want a relationship with you". I must have written on my forehead "please be my friend'...really I am not dating to make friends..I am dating to date..i.e. romance...i.e. I have enough wonderful friends. Let's end this paragraph with a song...(insert:love is a battlefield here).

Kaden is his normal hyper self. He got car sick on his second trip to Little Buckhorn. He lays in my lap the entire time he is in the car. Even if other people are in there..will only lay in my lap. He is not distracting...but still it would be nice if he would lay in the seat beside me. Yeah..I think I have spoiled him.

Last week I worked like a mad women...16 hours extra. In my effort to help my continual poorness. I am working full time and still continue to not have enough money. For the love! What is the deal? And no my purse buying does not take that much of my income.

I am at work and probably should get back to it now. Some people take smoke breaks...I thought I would take a blog break. Back to the madness known as my job.

Giving Ondi the farewell that she deserves. Ondi- we'll miss you more than you know...heck already do.

I am a little more awake tonight after work...Although no indication of what work was like. It was mad chaos there tonight. Not so much in my office, but throughout the hospital. Update on my life: I got the papers completed..yes, I do have some motivation still remaining...Evidently. Along with the girls, we threw a going away party for Ondi. It was a success I do believe...good turn out, good food, and for the most part good drinks thanks to pretend bartender, i.e. me. A few people were cursing me as they hugged the porcelain shrine throughout the night, but I just made the drinks...didn't necessarily drink them..:-)

Dating...sigh. I still continue to dislike the dating process. Let's see the update. Since posting on matters of the heart, I have met three new guys in person...one at the party..yeah..who was beginning to date someone else..we'll call him party boy. Next there is shall we say Tolly-Ho boy since I met him there...perhaps I should just call him my client though. Yeah, there is no romantic attraction there, but he did proceed to tell me about his life and failed relationships for 6 hours. We all know what a talker I am and I barely got a word in edgewise. There is the "lawyer guy" that I have been talking to for what seems like forever. I enjoyed meeting him, but he has proceeded to blow me off since the meeting. Then of course there is the guy that I enjoy being around...we were up to 4 dates, but I am unsure if it will continue...not on my end, but his. We are at a bit of a turning point..shall we say. Frustration! I do like him and feel like we are quite compatible..but I do not know what is going on in his head, does he like spending time with me...is he looking for a relationship? I just don't know..and I get so frustrated with waiting to know these answers! I am beginning to think that I have a dating disability. Definition: men like to hang out with, like to be my friend, perhaps go on multiple dates, but I am not the person they want to be in a relationship with. I have come to the conclusion that any man will want to settle down with a girl if he truly wants to be with her. What I don't understand is what is wrong with me? I would be the bomb girlfriend and future wife. I am compassionate, outgoing, a great hostess, social butterfly, great listener, love children, have a stable life of my own, can carry on a decent conversation...and am willing to learn to cook.:-) Why is it that my friends seem to think that some guy is going to see how "great" I am? It is not happening..what is occurring is the ole "sunglass theory". I guess I am just going to be everyone's friend FOREVER. O.k. this conversation is going down hill fast, so I am going to jump overboard for now.

Pure exhaustion tonight...will write tomorrow. Check out the love of my life though at http://sweb.uky.edu/~jdcamp2/kaden.htm