I can't sleep, so I suppose that means you will get a post here. Last weekend, I went to Brandy and Nick's wedding. I must say it was a beautiful ceremony and I teared up many times throughout the day (not just because my new shoes weren't so great to my feet). In the ceremony the preacher talked about having "a list" in regards to your future mate. I had that list...a very long one growing up that I seemed to have thrown away...new list "male, straight, breathing". I am thinking I need to change that and realize that I deserve better. I am so frustrated at being alone and getting lost in my own thoughts and "what ifs" and "is this the right direction". One might say, then don't think about it. Well, that would be easier if there didn't seem to be a gaping void in my life that seems to get bigger with each day I grow older. It seems with each passing month someone new is getting married, engaged...moving away...etc. I am living life..but I don't feel like I am really "living life". I feel really lonely these days. When I am upset, I honestly don't know who to call and I hate that feeling. I need someone to take care of me. Poor Kaden..all he can do is lick off my tears. A number of things are fueling these thoughts..some of which can be explained by the following paragraph and partly by deciding to sign my lease...apply for a position at work, etc. I have been trying to steer my life in a new direction...not follow the steps of "career girl" Jessica..but what other direction does there seem to be?

Confessions. Yes, some things do not change my friends. I have made a recent confession..and I am happy to have gotten it off my chest, but really is there anything harder than saying "i love you" to someone who can't say it back? Perhaps this is why I opt to it via email or letter if I know there will not be a reciprocal response. Sometimes absense of something being said or a response begins to speak louder than an actual response, you know?

Ready for a downer...can always count on it with my blog. Sorry for that. I suppose I should avoid "trigger" times to right...such as when I am upset, late at night, when I am tired (here's the internal counselor in me...my own thoughts..not other voices mind you:-) One positive thing I can say is that I really enjoyed my drive home yesterday and back today. It is so beautiful right now in the mountains. It was like driving through a painting. O.k. I will try the sleeping thing again.