Do you ever wonder the roots of low self-esteem? I am sure that it has always existed, but I wonder if it is even more wide spread in the current society of super thin models and our diets that contribute to being overweight. I bring this up because in regards to my body..I do consider myself to have low esteem...so if you will low body esteem. (In counseling we differentiate between self-esteem and body esteem). But my question is, is it really possible to look in the mirror and not think you are attractive or handsome. Admit it, all of you have looked in the mirror and thought yeah...I am attractive. I mean would we all look in the mirror so much if that wasn't the case. If there was no one around to compare our selves to...would we be ok with ourself? Where is this coming from you ask. Well, I was just in the bathroom at work, and I looked in the mirror and thought you look pretty. But I wonder if what I see is what other people see..hmmm. I think that I see myself more attractive than I am. Confusion.

Again..where does this random chain of thoughts originate? Well, I was thinking of my recent string of dating like it was my part time job. I am going to have to come up with names for them..so you know who I am referencing. First there is foreign boy. Now I thought that maybe he was liking me..met him..he was contacting me nearly every day..but no..now I know it is painfully clear he only likes me as a friend. I think it is because I am overweight. No joke...really do think that is the deal breaker. There there is librarian guy...that continues to go slowly. Don't know if anything is yet there...we really haven't spent much time together..and I cancelled on him last week. There is the guy in which I am smitten with..you should know who this one is..but don't think he feels the same way. He has made reference to the fact that we may do something this week..but I haven't heard from him. Then there is "ole' boy" that used to be in my life that is now engaged. Yes, after..what 3 months. I don't care how much time you spend together in 3 months that is still a huge irrational leap to be taking. Moving in together ok...still fast, but ok. Getting married, I mean really...you have no clue who that other person really is. Again, not my life though. I think I am going to take a vow to be single. I am so sick of getting hurt and crying over stupid men who don't deserve my tears. Jaded...tired..that is how I feel about dating. Also a few things I have learned thus far in this process. "I just don't want a relationship" in guy language means "I don't want a relationship with you". I must have written on my forehead "please be my friend'...really I am not dating to make friends..I am dating to date..i.e. romance...i.e. I have enough wonderful friends. Let's end this paragraph with a song...(insert:love is a battlefield here).

Kaden is his normal hyper self. He got car sick on his second trip to Little Buckhorn. He lays in my lap the entire time he is in the car. Even if other people are in there..will only lay in my lap. He is not distracting...but still it would be nice if he would lay in the seat beside me. Yeah..I think I have spoiled him.

Last week I worked like a mad women...16 hours extra. In my effort to help my continual poorness. I am working full time and still continue to not have enough money. For the love! What is the deal? And no my purse buying does not take that much of my income.

I am at work and probably should get back to it now. Some people take smoke breaks...I thought I would take a blog break. Back to the madness known as my job.