I find that I am always trying to figure out if I am depressed. Maybe its the counselor in me or maybe I really am..who knows. I had the strange urge to just cry on my way home today. I think I have alot of mixed up emotions and I haven't really given them the proper attention to be resolved.
So. I decided this weekend that they should indeed make a tv show about my life. It will be called "my life as a sitcom-the life of jessica campbell" or "my life as a sitcom - a southern Bridget Jones". Anyways, the point is I have two episodes to share with you. First the sad (I thought it best to end with the happy).
This episode could be called "dying first love". Seriously this time felt like the end of my Ireland lingerings, wondering what might have been. Now, a piece of my heart will forever be there and with a certain someone and I will always wonder what might have been..but I am realizing that is all it is..what might have been..not what might be in the future. No second chances for this Bridget Jones. So picture this..me driving down the road (on the wrong side of course) listening to Colbie Calliat song
"realize" and I am driving behind irish boy knowing I am going to have to say goodbye to him perhaps for the very last time. Yeah..pure depression. Then getting out beside the road hugging him goodbye as cars pass by. Perhaps one of the saddest memories that I will now carry with me for the rest of my life (that and remembering him standing beside the airport gate 4 years prior). My timing sucks..it really does. And I hate not being able to change things. And I hate what might have beens. And I hate that I still care.
Now a funny episode for you. Seriously you have take the irony of my life into context with this story. The fact that I am a wedding photography yet have a crappy love life..the fact that 3 of the last guys I have dated have proposed to the next girl they date..the fact that I stumble across people I have dated..their engagement pictures. Yes..the luck I have. Ok. So we go out on Saturday night for drinks. I walk in..and there is a crush of mine from childhood (one of the many). But this crush was at least 1 year long or longer..you know how it is. So I am like hey..how are you..what's with this tux? He holds up his hand..yes indeed it was his wedding day. Really, now I have not had a crush on the guy since I was at least 13 but how many people run into childhood crushes on their wedding day? Only me..only me. My life is a sitcom. I am starting to wonder if my life is like that Truman Show..that would everything make more sense for real. You just have to find the humor in it all..that is all I know.
