So, this is the first week of my "normal" schedule...i.e. 9a-5p. Yesterday I was excited because I worked my "normal" schedule and was going for a girls night of watching the pageant at Staci's. I am on call this week and of course all you know what broke lose last night at the Ridge. So..didn't leave the Ridge till close till 10...and then went and reheated my dinner and watched the last 10 minutes of the pageant with the girls. Therefore I suppose today celebrates my first "normal" day. Truly the hardest thing about me waking up early is that my stomach feels yucky. If I didn't know better I would call is sick to work everyday because I thought I was sick. Really it is just my body dealing with the shock of waking up at a decent hour. I am struggling at the moment to make myself stay awake. At this rate I will so be asleep by 10 pm! Funny comment of last night: When I was applying to college..I applied to the Ridge. Yes, how funny, I applied to a mental health hospital for college. Slip up for sure.

It is so cold outside right now that I can't stand it. I have been spending some time making my top eleven places to live where it doesn't get cold.

11. India (just because:-)
10. Mexico. Nah. And I like more Tex-Mex than Mexican food so much.
9. Speaking of which..Texas. Nah. Might as well move to Mexico. Would so have to learn Spanish.
8. Work on a cruise ship in the Carribean. Random. No explanation or discussion of this random thought. Although permanent motion sickness..ugh..
7. The Virgin Islands. Beautiful, but I wonder if there is an employment for mental health. How could anyone be unhappy there?
6. Florida. Although so touristy...either college girls flashing their boobs..or old people..or hurricanes.
5. Brazil. Don't know much about this option, but assuming it is warm.
4. California. Yeah..but don't know if I could deal with the terminator as my governor and earthquakes..ugh.
3. Phoenix, Arizona. No humidity. Sounds nice. And I keep singing that song "there is no Arizona".
2. Ireland. Now I know what you are thinking. It gets cold in Ireland. Yes, it does, but it rarely snows. Why? Because it doesn't get that cold. I looked up the temperature the other day..on my search for where to live without the cold and it was in the 50s. I can soooo deal with that. And really..it's Ireland:-)
1. Hawaii:-) It is still America..so no hassle with the can I get a job because I am not a citizen..and beautiful scenary all the time. Photographer's dream and I know they have mental health jobs because I considered doing an internship there before I became a phDD (phD drop out).

I can't deal with the cold.

The key to sanity when you are upset: staying busy. I have managed to that this weekend. Worked yesterday..stopped by and saw a friend afterwards..went to a play and dinner today..busy. Before I forget a congrats goes out to Bridger..I am certain that she has told most people by now..Miss Bridger is getting married this summer..how exciting!

In my sharing of my situation in my last entry, I failed to share about my past week. I had my first blow out..second flat tire..but first on a major road. I was bringing Megan and Matt back to Lexington to do some college stuff when boom my tire went out. On the Mountain Parkway..some place past Clay City in the dark...broken down. Matt tried his best to get the tire off..but it was stubbornly on there...so we ended up calling for help. Some little nice old man from the area came and put on my spare for $20. He was the nicest man..I have his info in my car for any of you who regularly drive the parkway. However most of you are probably smart enough to have triple AAA. It was all good though...and I had a nice visit with my brother and sister. We did the whole tour UK and look at Transy thing. I ate in the Raf at Transy...flashbacks. Kinda miss good ole Transy you know? Don't really think I would want to go back and do the whole high school thing again..but wouldn't mind going through college again (of course with the stipulation that I wouldn't already be burned out as I am). It was a nice visit and my dear sister made some rather funny comments..but I promised to not share them on my blog.:-)

One of my favorite things in when I discover a song that is not so mainstream but that I just fall in love with. There are several of these I could name..but one I have mentioned before is addicted by kelly clarkson. Really anyone who has dealt/or is dealing with a heartbreak or trying to move on without someone in your life should download this song. Basically it talks about being addicted...I have wondered whether it is suppose to be about a substance addiction or a person...but either way I like to apply it to a person. It describes how it feels to have some suddenly be not in your life...or at least that is Jessica's interpretation. Anyways, one could probably make comparisons between being addicted to a person and a substance. My dear friend Stacey removed all telephone numbers from my phone so that I could uphold my vow to not talk with someone at the present time...similar to how one might remove let's say..crack from your house (because so many people have crack in their house). Late last night I remembered that I was for sure that I had written down his number in the past somewhere in my apartment..so here I am skowering my cabinets and drawers..looking for the number..similar to an addict looking for any substance. I failed..for my own good..I know. Yes, I am comparing falling for someone and trying to get over them with crack addiction. Only me..I know.

The modern day ultimate insult: deleting you as a friend on myspace. Wow..and even more insulting when someone beats to the punch. You are searching and searching..and then you realize they have already deleted you.

Yes, I got deleted this evening. Within thirty minutes mind you. Actually it has happened twice to me here lately. Matters of the heart seem to dictate alot of the deleting of friends on myspace. I have seen it on others pages..but I have gotten the personal insult over the past two weeks. I had an emotional reaction tonight. One that was too much, but if it hadn't came out tonight, probably would have came out at some other point. What happened? We all get rejected by others when it comes to the dating game. I suppose some of us hold on too long..and I guess I have done that..yet again. I have spent a year thinking that if I hold out, then someone would see how wonderful I am and suddenly realize they are in love with me. Well, not so much. This was not the realization that occured today..but it leads up to it. I had come to recognize after confessing my feelings that they were not reciprocated. I have beat myself up and replayed in my head all the reasons this person (ok. my conservative) has given to why they can't be with me. I have given myself a hard time about this things and even thought myself not good enough to be dated by some people because of these reasons. I go out to bars occasionally...I like to watch pop culture shows: grey's anatomy...seen every episode of sex in the city...I like to shop....i don't always like to talk politics..really I think the list is a mile long. Then you find the person that rejected you citing these reasons....is head over heels for someone who exhibits all those traits. The ultimate insult. It was not these reasons or any other reason under the sun: it was you, simply you. It hurts...it hurts like hell. So yes I lashed out. And well, they lashed back. I may have potentially lost more that just a "myspace friend" today...I may have lost a friend. I am not saying that I reacted rationally...but it was coming from a place of deep hurt. So, I did say a hurtful comment. But should one comment dictate cutting someone out of your life permanently? I know many of y'all are doing a victory dance (not in an insulting way..but in the it is the best thing for you way). Really, I have narrowed it down to me and Kaden. No situations, no men, no mixed feelings. Just me. If this is right, why do I feel so stinky? How can I be so wrong and think for sure someone is for me...God is directing me towards them..and boom..no. How can someone delete you from their myspace within 3o minutes and cut you out of their life in a second. I don't understand it. So, here's me..not dating, not holding on to anything, and crying at home on a Friday night.

Work was so long tonight. I didn't get to leave till 5am. Yes, I am exhausted and even more thankful that soon I will have more normal hours. The trick now is getting Kaden to calm down long enough for me to get some decent sleep.

Random Jessica note on dating. If you want to run a guy off...try giving a guy you see who is of a different culture and does not celebrate Christmas a small Christmas gift. It is sure to scare them off.:-) Written down it seems obvious, it my head and before the fact...not so much. Probably for the best though..right?

Should I place a profile on dating website and start dating again?

Since when I just ask for comments, I get no response, I thought I would try a poll of responses from my lovely blog readers.

Yes
No
Not yet

View Results
Create your own poll

I seem to be developing some insomnia over the last few days. So, I got back up and I am doing what my good friend Key suggested. As I was having dinner with Key tonight, he suggested what I had been taught to tell clients. Since evidently it was information that was somehow integrated into his knowledge through med school...I figured that maybe that information did not fall into the bull shit category that some of my education does.:-) I always tell people..if you can't sleep after 15-20 minutes..get up, do something, then try it again. So this insomnia is a pain in my butt..but perhaps to the advantage of my blog readers. I am up..trying to exhaust myself more. That is what stinks about not sleeping..it is not necessarily that you are not tired..just that you can't sleep. Is it because of my ever messed up sleeping patterns or because I have racing thoughts..or am I having racing thoughts because I am so worried about getting to sleep? Who knows...either way..can't sleep. So here I am.

New thing I have learned about myself per observation of my friend Staci (i.e. tall Staci). When I like the way something looks I tilt my head to the right. We were shopping for bridesmaid dresss today and I came across one that I actually liked (really this is a miracle..you don't even understand) and she commented that she knew I liked it because I tilt my head when I like the way things look. Hmmm..wonder if I do this with dates. If I like the way my date looks I tilt my head to the right with an inquiring look upon my face. Haha. I don't think so, but wouldn't that be funny. I think this is a Jessica fact that holds true to only my clothing selections.

Evidently our senators are playing even more mean these days. Read here. Senator Boxer made a statement pointing out that Condoleezza Rice is single with no children thus does not understand the sacrifice of the war. That's mean....and a bit strange coming from a democrat liberal in supporting of the the career woman..hmm. I am just saying that I think at home at night that no doubt hurt Rice's feelings...I am empathizing with her. No need to get that personal people.

My new schedule came out today and...drum roll..I am schedule 9-5 and 10-6 shifts for awhile. Normal schedule..that perhaps will create more normal sleep. **Sigh** I will try the sleep thing..again.

Who I am I? I guess I am having a bit of an existential crisis tonight..haha. Sometimes I wonder if starting the blog thing was a good or bad thing. It makes me more vulnerable in alot of ways I think. I share a side of myself on here that others didn't perhaps see or know of before. I guess in a way it is good because it shows that everyone has a human side to them.

"You're a handful". This is a statment that I have heard more than once lately. Is that good or bad thing? I guess I am trying to determine that. When I am dating do I reveal too much of myself too quickly? I am just not really liking myself alot these days I think...feeling like something is broken with me. Maybe that is the reason that I find myself alone over and over again. I feel very jagged around the edges. I know alot of this just has to do with my being lonely and dealing with some heartbreak. It hurts when someone knows you completely and rejects you. It hurts at the very core. I have done good over the past week to eliminate some bad situations..and try to creat distance with the heartbreak. Well...I have eliminated what I can..the occasional stalker calls I don't really have any control over. Which leads to my next question..

Can you be friends with someone that you have more feelings for? Once you cross an emotional line can you go back? If I was giving advice to someone, I would have to say no. Steer clear of the situation, yet I am trying the not cut complete ties off thing. Falling in love with someone who is also one of your best friends is perhaps the worst thing to do...if it is unreciprocated. I need to go to therapy, don't I? (asks the counselor:-)

The small things in life can make you happy. I had to get up early because I am actually getting on top of the whole supervision..so I can get licensure thing. Anyways, I am running late as always and I was in my car waiting for the ice to melt. My nice neighbor comes over and shares his de-ice stuff. How nice was that. I am going to marry him now..haha..I am so kidding. But for real, it was a really nice gesture. And now I am all about that de-ice stuff. Next trip to Wally world I am totally getting the stuff. Another thing making me happy..my new pjs and underwear. I got these long john strawberry covered pjs..how much of a dork am I? They are so cute..and comfortable. I am trying people. I really think I am battling a small bit of depression at the moment. Honestly, I haven't ever felt so alone in my life as I have recently. Don't know how to describe it or why...but it has just felt that way. Maybe this exercise will thing will help...I need those natural endorphines(that's the correct word right?).

Resolutions. I am a little late on sharing..but here ya go.

1. I will exercise and I will lose weight.
2. I am going to take the time and do some healing before I jump in to anymore negative romantic situations.
3. I am going to try to move on from the past (interpret as you will)
4. Try to be more optimistic in general.
5. I will see things for what they really are (and recognize if I am simply part of the herd).

Kaden's resolutions

1. Stop eating his poop.
2. Stop peeing on the carpet.

Yeah..too bad he broke them the very next day.

Work is exhausting me right now. I have been walking in and not stopping for 10 hours. Really, I have an emotionally draining job. Sometimes I cry for no reason when I get in the car and start driving. Or I start crying with a depressing country song comes on the radio. That I then add to my myspace page.:-) Oh, I am wishing on a star that my day off will come sooner...Monday, Monday.