I totally should get my butt in bed but I have a few things on my mind and figure I should blog while it's brewing. Why am I up at 3 am you may ask? I have been doing on call mobile shifts for 5 days in a row and had a call at 2am. Fun times.. interrupted sleep..but good money. I dragged my sorry butt back to Jenny Craig yesterday and decided to go back with the program. I am so disgusted with myself and my appearance. I hate pictures of myself and I can't stand to even look in the mirror. It is to an extreme point. So Day 1 was today and already failure. People I have a problem: I am addicted to food. Some people its alcohol...crack...pain pills..sex...with me it's food. I obsess over it and have almost no self control. I plan my day around food..I plan social interactions and rewards and events around food. Today I broke the stupid thing already. I made a compromise...what I really wanted was a veggie plate from Ramsey's (sounds healthy enough..but its not) ..but I got spaghetti from Fazolis. At least I didn't give in and drink regular coke. I suck..I can't even make it through one day. It is just hard with various life stressors and being so busy to try to restrict my eating. But I have to..there's not getting around it. I am tired of hating my appearance. I am tired of being the girl that could be pretty..if she weren't fat. I am so tired of it..so why can't I just eat the stupid Jenny Craig food? I am going to need some mucho support on this one.

I do not miss school work at all..but the good thing about it was that it had a defined ending and you just had to survive to then. Well...I wish there was a finish line in sight for me (not like death..like completed thing). I am so overwhelmed with so much to do and it seems like it is never ending. It is hard starting a business up on the side..for sure.

Men. I I don't think I have the energy to even go there. A few random notes that I can follow up with on another day. A coworker jokingly called me "how to lose a guy in 10 days" and there is some truth to that. Will explain later. Also, why does it still sting a bit and feel like someone knocked the air out of you every time you discover an ex is married/engaged? I am ready for that feeling to leave. Maybe it does when you are happy/committed..whatever you want to call it. I am beginning to feel hopeless. I am losing weight so I will have it in me to date more..to meet people. But what if God means for me to be alone for the rest of my life? I am beginning to seriously wonder.