I will admit it..working nights puts me in a sour mood. All I do is work and sleep when I work this shift..and the hours I am awake and not at work..i.e 4am...well not much opportunity for social interaction there. It is just a bit of a downer I guess working this shift.

I went home for a few days for Christmas. It felt a bit rushed since I did have to work Christmas Eve day and then was back the day after Christmas. I am just glad that I did get to make it home though. I was feeling a bit down this year at Christmas. It is the first time that I felt a little down over the holidays though. Something about thinking about turning 27 made me feel just a bit like a loser or something. I feel like I should be at a different place in my life. I feel like I should have a family of my own, etc. I guess. I worry that I am going to be 35...along.. going home..just myself crashing at my mother's house. You know? I am being silly I know. I worry that I am a disappointment to my family too. You know I selected this field to work in that is not the best paying or really even recognized. I feel like people don't even really understand what exactly it is that I do. For the love, I will stop with the whoa is me crap. I guess it just feels like if I am single..then I should be more successful in my career I suppose. Even if that isn't what i neccessarily want per se.

Yeah..so I think I am more emotional maybe because a change in my hormone levels. This may be more info than you would like..if you are a guy reading this...so if so..just skip along to the next paragraph. I went off birth control for about a month..basically because switching mds...prescriptions running out, etc. Well, the re-introduction of these hormones has now made me more emotional(case and example my blog and my feelings over the holidays)..as well as my face looking like I am 13 again. Another example: I watched the movie Click and cried like a baby at the end and even worse after it was over. Really..I haven't cried after a movie was finished in quite awhile. Perhaps the worst movie I ever saw for that was Titanic..I cried all the way home and even the next day.

One more day of work and then a break.

Every year there are those "suprise gifts"..you know the people that you don't know if you should buy for or not. It always creates an ackward situation. Luckily I had only 1 gift given to me that I was aware of..and I only gave one. It is a dead give away by the facial reactions of someone who gets a gift they werent' expecting. Oh the holidays. I get to head home after work tomorrow for Christmas. For once it would be nice to not feel like I have to rush to get home after work. I feel like that happens with all the holidays. I get to stay home a few days and then back home. You know really I don't work that many hours a week, but the times of my shifts make it seem worse I think. Second week of January..second week of January..then I will hopefully get a more normal schedule.

Speaking of work. I got my evaluation at work. If I was in school it would be a C+. Now if this were let's say...German class..I could live with that (oh..how that was my least favorite class....only learning how to say I don't speak German)..but this is work we are talking about. What did I get marked down on you ask? Well I am "sometimes" professional and "sometimes" appropriate with other clinical staff. Evidently I don't play well with others..i.e. I am perhaps the wicked bitch of the (insert name of hospital I work at - I try to keep some personal stuff disclosed on here). Did I unknowingly become a big ole bitch without realizing it? Is this the reason I sometimes feel like I have less friends around? I don't think so, but let's be honest...my evaluation has me thinking.

My heart. I have decided that the reason I have no energy and feel like it would be a difficult task to try to date someone new is that my heart is divided in too many places right now. If I could I would draw a pie graph for visual effect to satisfy my OCDness..but I will just have to list I suppose. 80% of my heart continues to be in WV...15% in Ireland..and the remaining 5% divided here and there. I working on changing this..but time people..I need time.

Wow...I have had things to share, but somehow I find myself having not blogged again. Let's see what to start with? The funny moment of the day is me leaving up an old away message on AOL. The message was "heart broken..what else is a girl to do but go shopping". That was from over a year ago! Sort of funny because then I get all these what happened type of messages. Funny. I know exactly when I was talking about last year. Funny that I might be heartbroken again right now over the same person, but on a much different level than the previous time. I just thought it was amusing that I put is up by accident.

Well, I have started to think that my stalker might be a bit OCD. During the week he always call around the same time..I can predict it like clockwork. For the love, I do not even understand that situation.

I have a new item to add to the "he might not be interested in you if..." list. He might not be that interested if he hangs up when he is bored with the conversation. Yes, I am not kidding. I have someone in my life who does this...I can't make up things like this people.

Tomorrow is my day 5 off in a row. It happened by accident. I have just been doing odd things around here..having dinner with friends..cleaning my house top to bottom. Yeah. I don't want to go back to work, but I am running out of things to occupy my time.

Well, I made a decision at work..I decided to take the more day hours..i.e. 10a-8pm. It ended up only being around a dollar pay cut, so I decided that was the best decision for me. It meant of course that I stepped down as supervisor, hence a demotion. Everyone is being like congrats..etc. We should through me a demotion party..haha.:-) Congrats on going backwards on the career ladder. Haha. I am happy about the decision..I just think it is sort of funny in that respect.

Love. Well, my myspace song is back to kerosene. I heard the song on Saturday and the words "I'm giving up on love, cause love's giving up on me" never rang so true. That is exactly how I feel these days. I have decided that I am maybe just not the "fall in lovable" type of girl. I am the girl that will crack you up, I am the girl that is a wonderful friend....I am that girl that you stalk(yes...unfortunately)...but perhaps I am just not that girl that you fall in love with. This seems to be a target issue. Not that I can change it, but just an observation. I worry so much about this and that. Well, you know what it doesnt' really matter. I seem to meet one guy who thinks there is too much city in me..then the next guy thinks there is too much country. I am a mixture of alot of things and I am who I am. The bottom line is none of that matters if I was someone that they were to "fall in love" with. Perhaps this is the issue. I seem to have set up camp in the "friend zone". That's me..your good friend Jessica. (don't get me wrong..i love my friends..but you get where I am going with this). I should go to bed now before this becomes anymore depressing.

What's new in the life of Jessica? A little bit of the same and some new I suppose. Let's start with work. I have been presented with a decision that I have to make tomorrow. I have been longing for more regular hours..and now my opportunity has arrived..with big ole strings attached. I can work 10a-8p regularly, however I must step down from being supervisor. Stepping down from supervisor, means taking a pay cut. If I stay on nights..it is going to get worse and I will be working more 5p-3a shifts. Sigh. I feel like I am choosing for money or sanity? I don't know which way I am leaning right now. I am going to talk with human resources and see how much of a pay cut it would be.

I got to hang out with the girls this weekend. Ondi was is in town to celebrate her birthday. I forgot how much I laugh with the girls. Sometimes I miss those days of being in college when they were right across the hall. We really should all get together more.

Men. Good grief what to put here. I made an interesting phone call last weekend. At work I assessed an Irish guy..and you know where this is leading. When I got off from work, it was morning in Ireland, so i placed a call to James in Ireland. It was wonderful to hear his voice and we talked about 2o minutes. How can I miss someone still that it has been so long since I have seen? Good news is that I did not break down into boo hooing post phone call. I think it would be interesting to live in closer vicinity (closer than 3,000 miles) to see what type of relationship we would have. I know that we would at least be good friends. I say this knowing that he only has feelings of friendship on his end. And it's not like I am sitting here wishing and hoping for something to happen there (only swift moments at times)..I guess I just have alot of "what could have been" emotions there. One comment that always sticks in my mind is Lisa commenting how she had never seen someone look at me the way he did...after our visit there. Can't help but make you wonder if you'll ever find someone else that does really look at you like that. I guess that is why I sometimes tear up and wonder the "what ifs" on that situation. Megan Ryan movie with a bad ending..that is that chapter of my life.

On the homefront, I am still nursing some broken feelings about my second attempt at offering to move somewhere to be with someone..i.e. mr. conservative..now often know as west virigina boy. My full moon theory still remains strong in its "trial stage" as this month three of tracking the full moon has brought the men around. I heard from 2 men this week...one of which it had been a month prior since I had heard even a peep. I am realizing how I should not be wasting my time on situations that are not going anywhere. I tend to get trapped into this rut..and I am almost getting sucked into again. An intersting tidbit: I am beginning to think that the doctor is saying his phone is having difficulty as an excuse not to talk to me. More to add to my list: He might not be that into you if he has "phone problems" every time he doesn't call you back. He might not be that interested in you if after using your computer he leaves up an arranged marriage dating website. (No joke..) At first I believed it, but a girl can't help but wonder can she? What I don't understand is why they even waste their time. (And on the flip side why I keep indulging these situations).

Stalker. I feel this is appropriate name for someone who blocks their phone number and calls me daily on average of 2-8 times. I still have this going on. I mean it just doesnt' make sense as to who would be doing it. To be honest, I just want to know who the heck is doing it and why.

My throat is feeling a bit sore. Man, I hope I am not getting anything. Although who would be suprised? It has turned into the Artic over night it seems. Oh the joys of taking Kaden out to the bathroom when it is cold...