Wow. I don't know what to say. I guess most of you..no matter where you are..have heard about the airplane crash right here in Lexington. I have taken that same flight mutiple times..but I was not taking any trips yesterday. If I do travel soon sort of makes me want to drive to Cincinnati to try to avoid any smaller planes. A very weird feeling to wake up and see that on tv right away. I was in Louisville on Saturday for Natalie's bachelorette party and that was the first thing we saw when the tv was turned on at 8 am. It is just really devastating..but for any concerned..I wasn't traveling yesterday.

While I am fairly certain that the "who" comment came from the engagee (is that a word?)..I will still spread the news. Congrats to Stacey Clark who is now engaged to Nick Clark (yes Stacey will not be changing her name...and while yes she is from southeastern KY there are no relations there..we hope..haha). (Sing along with me "another one bites the dust....")

I realize the last blog was a little "blah". I worked this weekend and will work all but one day this week. I accidently drove over a dead skunk this weekend. Yeah..my car smells great. I lost my telephone for several days last week..as you may know if you tried to call my phone and got the "my phone is missing" message. So...after looking..and looking, I broke down went to the dealer and got a new phone. Guess what was on my door when I got home...yes my phone...in typical Jessica luck. By that point I was totally attached to my new pretty slidey phone..that even checks my email for me all the time (and its not a big blackberry). Another good friend got engaged..if you don't already know..guess who?

At times I tend to disclose on here a somewhat censored version of my life. Well, tonight I am in one of those moods to just lay it all out on the table. Take heed...you have been warned. First of all disco head dancing is a mild occurence now and I am so excited to be feeling much better from all that. Again I DO NOT recommend going on Lucifer's drug of choice (i.e. Effexor) unless you absolutely need to be on something and don't intend to EVER come off of it. I have decided unless I am in dire need of something for my mood...I don't want to put anything in my body that affects my thinking and processing such as that did as I came off of it. It seems like I have had quite a few days off recently..but I have spent most of the time working on photography stuff. To be honest I have felt somewhat recluse...partly by choice, partly not. Which leads me with my first frustration....abandonment.

What am I talking about? I am talking about what poor Bridget Jones felt like on one of my favorite movies. The entire structure and dynamic of my friendships have changed drastically over the past 1 1/2 - 2 years. Went from everyone single..to Jessica single. Now, this would be ok..but it has more to do with the shifting social structure and how I am some random beam hanging out that no one can figure out exactly where it should go. Some groups of friends hang out all together as couples...not so much does this seem to happen. It is more of a couple here...a couple there...a couple everywhere. To hang out with someone means to hang out with them and their significant other alone..not really comprehensively as a group. Now many of the significant others' of my friends have made an effort with me..to keep up with me, etc. and that is appreciated..however nothing can change what has shifted over the last bit. I mean in general I do think I am a "good friend of the girlfriend" (for explanation..I am sure I have referenced this before in a blog)...but I miss the old dynamic sometimes. No one calls to just hang out..go to dinner or a movie anymore. I would love dinner and movie that was NOT a date..but just with a friend. Everyone is just so busy..and when they are not..they have a constant companion...so it leaves me dangling. I am not trying to be all whoa is me, but I went from having lots of social support to lots less in a year (in reference to quantity). I realize my work schedule is crazy..but for real..over the last week I have sat at home A LOT. This is not a "oh bad friends" statment either, but just hating one fo the things that happen around this age (hence quarter life crisis) and hating that I am the one left behind..that is all.

What got me to thinking alot about this? Well, I hated not having someone to check on me and take care of me while I felt like shit last week. I did get some calls here and there...even from unexpected people at work...however I wanted someone that would have offered to go pick up my medicine, bring me something eat, etc. As a counselor, I would ask someone like me..well did you ask anyone? No, I didn't because I didn't feel I had the right to ask anyone. Basically I want a boyfriend because everyone else has one. (Like...yes..mommy I want that new game because everyone else has it and is playing it.) I have always been fairly independent, however that was with a strong social support backing. All I wanted more than anything last week when I felt like crap was to have a companion here that i could lay my head in their lap..that is all I really wanted. There you go..whoa is Jessica who is lonely and seeking companionship.

How do you meet someone for such potential companionship? Well, for everyone else in the world they seem to fall out of the freakin' blue sky, but I have to go on dates and dates. I am glad to be seeing a few people..don't get me wrong, but casual dating is not what I want at the moment. And I realize that dates lead to meeting people..which leads to relationships..but I seem to strike out OVER and OVER and OVER. How much of the tedious get to know you stuff can you go through..really. I am probably starting to scare my dates because I am to the point of not caring anymore...I am like pure 100% me at the beginning..and everyone knows you need to keep it tamed down a bit before you dget to know someone. The truth is I don't care much anymore and I don't even get excited about most dates anymore. It seems I saw a movie that displayed such a similar thing that I am experiencing...can't recall the name though. Which there is another factor contributing that that as well..which I will discuss in a minute.

Dates. Had another first date tonight. From the way I am ranting you would think that it went horrible, however it didn't. My first thought is that we will end up being friends..but I am not sure about more. I can't place my finger on it..but it probably has something to do with him reminding me of a gay friend/guy that was in PhD program...so I think I may be attributing qualities to him.that are more of my friend. Nevertheless it was decent conversation and a good dinner (Merrick Inn). He is a chef..so I suppose we can call him "the chef". He has offered to cook me dinner this Friday, and I am waiting to see if something else is panning out that I was already planning. Mr. MD...I guess that is what we will call him..well I have seen him a few times. Helped him out when his car was in the shop, etc. We may be doing something this weekend...if it can be worked out between both of our crazy schedules. I am not sure that it will go anywhere at all because of differences, etc. At least I get an A for effort because I really am being open to meeting new people etc., even if I am dreading it at times.

Crushes. I still have the same ole big crush. (Crushes are clearly distinguished from those i am going on dates with. Crushes are often unobtainable, yet total smittin at times with..people in my life.). This is my coworker who I am beginning to think may serve as the epidomy (spelling?) of the almost perfect man: gorgeous, sincere, smart, religious and great interpersonal skills. Blue eyes to die for people. So out of my league that it is ridiculous..and younger..but a crush it continues to be indeed. (And a crush that everyone at work knows about...oh well..I am so not the only one. He is the type of guy that guys could have "man crushes" on..haha).

What was the other factor in which I mentioned before? Well, that would be that there is someone in my life who does serve as my emotional companionship at times..that let's be honest I am just frustrated about the situation at the time. This is someone who has been in my life for awhile now, but doesn't want to date me "right now". So there is someone in my life that I would like to attempt to date..however not so much going to happen. However feelings and attachment are there..and for the love can not be removed as people have suggsted. Oh yes, I will turn that feelings for this person off, turn this one on..and just let that one be for now. NO..that is not how it works. You feel what you feel and no guards seems to help it. Gotta love life and the circle of pain known as dating and love. Just a side note: warning to men in my life. For the love..don't refer to your relationship with me as simply "friendship" if it currently or recently involves things that would indicate otherwise. The situations do not warrant "dating" per se..but they are definitely not simply friendship. I at minimum prefer the term "weird friendships".

A break..this is what I need from Lexington and actually I would like a break from the country:-)..haha but that's just me. Hence the reasonI have been searching airfares for a trip in the Fall. Wow. I have wrote alot. I don't want to hear the Jessica don't be so sad, blunt, etc. in the blog. The title states "quarter life crisis" hence the contents will reflect that. I am not depressed or getting ready to jump into a river..just frustrated at being 26 and alone..and not feeling like I have direction on where to go. That is all. (I am just finishing up my lovely female monthly vistor..and have come off a mood altering medication..so I am allowed to be a bit emotional for a few days..as long as I do not wallow in it).

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Just a further note on my sports/tv ranting. As a female, I do not mind watching a good football..basketball game..whatever have you, I just get frustrated with the male species insists on watching sports for hours and hours...while...let's say different programming that may be preferential to females is ridiculed, etc. If I sit there and watch..something I don't enjoy..such as a baseball game..or a golf tournament..then my male counterpart (when and if they may ever come along in a more permanent presence) can sit still for an hour of my programming selection. This being said there are limits to this of course...I am not going to make anyone..let alone of male companion be forced to watch my soap operas..or a show clearly of only female interest. However, more neutral shows should be watched with minimal moaning. That is all I am saying.

Another perspective of the craziness in my head known as Effexor withdrawl. So the "brain disco" could perhaps be better described as..when you move your head..or even eyes sometimes...it is like your brain is a tv trying to come into focus. So imagine everytime you move seeing a blurry vision, with some messed up sound..then after a disco dance...a clear picture and clear hearing. Does that create a better picture of the "brain shivers"? Really hate yourself?....then go on this medication just to experience the withdrawl. Really..it was much better today...but still not pleasant. I am actually sitting upright typing this though..so yippy yah. Work = mad circus crazy night! It was one of those nights where I got the most extreme drastic individuals with some major problems. As long as I have worked in that hospital...it is something to say that I had a bizarre night. However...I have noticed that male patients tend to respond better to me when I am a bit less empathic...perhaps somewhat grouchy with them at first..the later it gets the most irritable I get back at screaming patients...and somehow it often works to my advantage...hmm. Am I that scary when I am tired? (Those who know me...don't answer that..haha)

One more random thought on men. I get tired of men making fun of women for watching shows such as...So You Think You Can Dance...but we get no say so in games after games of football..baseball...golf..whatever their cup of tea. Just a thought..men only dish out what you can handle. Complain about my show..I may start complaining about game after game of whatever sport. (Not targeted at anyone in particular...some of you may be thinking...was it me??...just not so deep random thoughts of Jessica).

Grandma Polly Ann Campbell

Ok...so I am finally updating this blog. Currently, I am suffering from the side effects of going off the psychotropic medication Effexor ER..which I affectionally refer to Lucifer's drug of choice. Yes, I was dealing with anxiety..but what I am experiencing now was not worth a few better rested nights. Today I just seem to have the "wishy head" feelings..but yesterday I felt like miserable: fever and chills, vomitting ,diarhhea, headaches...crap I tell you. The "wishy washy" feeling my head is what some people have labeled as "brain shivers". I think it is more like "brain techno dancing" in my head. I move my head and it is like "1, 2, 3" until my brain seems to catch up with the head movement. Fun times I tell you...

Next, I should tell you about my dating trials and tribulations. I should start with the results of the speed dating. Well the only one I thought I would get a no from was the only guy that I got a yes from. How amusing is that...considering I work with people for a living. I have a tad difficulty reading men as this confirms. Hence my barriers in the dating world I suppose. Also I learned that even old me don't want to date me! Ok...from where did my recent dates emerge? Well, one is from the speed dating: the md..yes...my narcissitic rant was not applicable I suppose and the second from the free membership of cupid that they give you from doing the lovely speed dating experience. Now for the details,

Well my first date was with short boy. Now I know that I have made fun of match.com being shortman.com..but I assure you that this date took dating short to a whole new level. It was a disappointing date all around...and not because I am presenting as a "heightist" (equivalent to racist). We seemed to have hit it off chatting online..but it didn't go as well in person I suppose. First, I am weary when someone has been skessy about more than one thing. 1. I was told he was 5'2"..not so much...well below 5 foot...probably 4'11". 2. I was told that that he only smoked three cigarettes a day...no...6 + that night...including having to step out to smoke. 3. He told me he was separated. Well, perhaps by his definition..but divorce not final and wife still living in the house...again sketchy. I am not sure where I offended him, but at some point it appears that I did. Perhaps not offering to pay for my part of dinner...dude it was a first date. Anyways, if anybody should have done the ignoring, blowing off, etc..it should have been me..but he did it to me. No love loss for sure..but I am a bit annoyed by that.

Date number 2: the speed dating result/md. We hung out and actually had a lot to talk about. He called me on Sunday to see if I wanted to do anything and we have hung out once since then. I am not sure if there is future potentional there for a number of reasons, but I can see us becoming friends at the least. What are the reasons that I mention?? Well, he's Indian..which means he is Hindu..which means religious differences, etc, etc. Nevertheless he is a good looking md who wants to hang out and we will leave it at that for the moment.

Other romantic considerations...ah..same ole. Got the wondering in the back of my mind about a situation that I am wondering will ever progress and then still hanging onto things I shouldn't. I have such mixed feelings about dating right now. Sometimes I long for companionship so much that it hurts..then other times I am fine having my space and autonomy. I guess a healthy relationship is the balance of the two, correct?

Death. My grandma Campbell passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 97. Can you imagine living to be such an age and all the things that have changed? The funeral was neat in that all the grandchildren got up and shared various things. I was so struck leaving the funeral at the value that she placed on family...and how so content she was with the life she was presented. How many people are truly content with their life? Everyday we complain, struggle, go on medications to deal...with the things that she was content..and she did not have an easy life. To live so old, means to live through a lot of death and heartbreak. The love and contentment came from her faith in God. I was struck at how amazing it was that the things for which she was remembered was in love of her family and God. How often do you truly see that anymore...and how sad is that? Yes, she was a fiesty old women as she aged..but I always felt loved and she made sure that everyone was presented with her beliefs and faith. She left an amazing legacy of contentment and faith.

A classmate of mine from UK also passed away this week. If you were to have asked me the "ideal' PhD model student...she would have came to mind. She was killed in a car accident moving back from Texas to begin her job. She had just graduated and was getting ready to start living life. It has really stayed on my mind..and got me to thinking about things in varioud different lights. For the moment is making me content and even happy with my decision to place school on hold at the moment. If something were to happen tomorrow, I don't want to have put life and the things I enjoy on hold..to never be pursued.

O.k. I think I have let you in on what has been going on with me the last few weeks. I will probably go to bed now as my head seems to be feeling worse and hope that I wake up able to work tomorrow. Brain techno dancing I tell you!

Big ole slacker...that is me. It feels like the world has been spinning around me the last few weeks. Much to update you all on...from bad dates...to dealing with death...to general Jessica rantings. I promise an info soon. Thanks for continuing to check this blog even with my slacker tendency.