Sit down. I have some big news. I got up at 6:30 this morning. Yes, I am working day shift today, craziness. I would totally be cool with working on day shift if tha was the schedule to which my body was accustommed...however I am struggling...I asked the unit if I could join in on nap time on the child unit. Day shift again tomorrow..then back to nights on Tuesday. My body is going to go insane. Man, I wish I liked coffee!

To go or not go, what did I decide? Well, I ended up going on the date with the german dude. I had a good day, but not neccessarily a good date..does that make sense? I'll start with the guy. He was totally a nice guy..and we had a looooooooong date. I mean 1pm-10pm. We went Kincaid Lake and walked around and took pics..but lets be honest it was so hot and humid I thought I was going to die. Within 1 minute to meeting him my hair was up and 3 minutes outside all the makeup gone and my hair soaking wet with sweat. Yes, I was as attractive as it sounds. I must admit that the whole time we were walking around I was like please let's go get something to drink..when are we ever going to leave (in my head of course..but I have trouble concealing my emotions as many of you know). Not that I don't enjoy walking around and taking pics. But I prefer to walk on trails...and not at the high peak of day...on such a humid day..with no water...and having on bad shoes. (Yes, you who know me well know how much I don't like the humidity and extreme heat..unless I am near water to either ingest or a pool to jump in). Grumpy..sweaty Jessica. We then drove around the back roads and grabbed a bite to eat. We sat and talked forever at this little dairy bar type of place in Falmouth. So what's the problem? Well, I don't think there is that intial attraction thing..just not there..and I was trying. I would think maybe..but then he would laugh and I would think no, no. While we had no problem talking, I don't know how much we really have in common. Plus...he totally could outtalk me..what's with that? And he had braces. Now I am not dissing braces..it's just I didn't want to kiss guys with braces in 5th grade so I don't want to at 26 either. He didn't open doors and honestly wasn't sure if he was even going to pay for dinner. I guess in general his social skills were a bit lacking. I really don't think we have a lot of similar interests either. He seems like someone I might could become friends with...but not seeing any romance potential at all. What is with me? Most people go out on dates and see some potential...while I tend to get these complete no's. And no, it is not because I am so picky. Someone described their relationship "easy like sunday morning" and I think that is how it should be. Obviously it won't be completely easy at first, but it should be comfortable and easy..and that is something you can pick up from the start.

What was good about the day? It was good to get away from Lexington. It was sort of a free feeling...don't know what all that is about. It was just nice to be driving down some windy country roads. And it wasn't that far from Lexington at all...I have totally got to start doing random things like that, I think it is renewing for me. Also, it reminded me of what I would like for my future. I like Lexington, but I really think my heart might be living in a smaller town not too far from a larger city. It was just the comfortable feeling of being in a small town and seeing all those two-story white country houses on rolling hills like I have always said I wanted. I like the convience of a larger city..but you can have that by living close by too. I don't know..it just got me thinking that is all.

So, it is sometimes frustrating to me that I don't get to feel that feeling of relief when Friday arrives. It is like I am deprived of something others get to experience. Silly perhaps. I actually put in an application for a new position within the hospital. Don't know if I truly have a shot at it or not...but hey I gave it a try. It is a marketing position and involves all day hours M-F. It would be nice...sometimes I feel like I am losing track of time..you know what day of the week is it...what is the date..where did May go? A regular schedule might help with that.

I am dreading tomorrow because as of right now I am planning on going on a first date. With who you may ask....well it is with someone I did meet before I took all my profiles off the internet stuff. He is a phd student up in Cincinnati...and he is german. So, I don't like german food, I don't like the german language (sprechen zie deutch neine), I wasn't a fan of germany when I visited it...so where is my logic in thinking I might like a german guy? I don't know, a shot in the dark perhaps. I am trying to figure out why I am dreading it so much. Is it because of my stinky self esteem? Am I still not feeling at a place where I want to date? Am I just lazy and would rather sleep in and lay by the pool? These could all be factors contributing to this yucky...please don't make me go feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Speaking of self-esteem...I am trying to work on that. I am forcing myself to exercise..so far I am 3 or 3 days...let's be honest that is more than the entire last year! It does make me feel better. I am trying to eat less as well. Along with that I am trying not to become obsessive weighing myself girl. The goal: to be significantly thinner and tan by summer's end. Also, I am making it a goal to work on myself spirtually as well. If I can get those two things in line, I think I will feel alot better.

Ahh...to go or not to go tomorrow...this is the question.

It has only been a few days really since I last posted, but it feels like it has been weeks. A fellow coworker of mine committed suicide last week by stepping in front of a semi. This was a coworker of mine that I have worked with for close to 3 years...in an office of 10 people or so. She did the same job as me....we assess suicidality everyday. How could an office full of therapists miss the signs of a coworker? It just shakes you to the core...and it is hard for anyone outside of my workplace to truly grasp that. Everyday I go in to work, and people come to me at the absolute worst points in their life and tell me..a complete stranger what they are thinking...and even thoughts of hurting themselves. It is what we do...and we are able to separate ourselves from our job. It is hard to separate when a fellow colleague and friend commits suicide. I guess as a counselor she could hide the signs. What is disturbing is that only someone in my field could understand why she did it the way she did it. She wanted it to be immediate, permanent, and for her family and friends not to find her. The truck driver has to be completely traumatized...but better to traumatize one rather than many..maybe that was what she was thinking. Was she even thinking? Was it planned or was it spontaneous? I think it was planned from the things we discussed and that she had a lot more going on with her than any of us knew...or knew the depth of. I knew she was lonely. It just worries me...I have such a history of suicide in my paternal family. Am I going to wake up one day and feel like that? (I don't...please don't worry...). It just makes you wonder what gets people to that point. What got my father to that point? What is the point in which even the thought of your children doesn't stop you? Like I said...it has really shaken me to the core and bothered me. I am feeling better about it and the funeral is this week. It was a long weekend at work...and to be honest..work is not something I am looking forward to right now. It just brings up alot of mixed emotions...for not just me..but all my coworkers.

Other than that...life has been treating me ok. The normal spills (literally....vegetable soup all over the shirt at work), and worrying about what seem to be meaningless things in regard to the situation I just discussed (i.e. work hours, loneliness, my weight..ugh...men..double ugh). On a frivolous note..I bought flowers for my patio (Lisa you would be proud)...now the trick is to keeping them alive now.

Why is Jessica up at such an early hour you may ask? Well, I got a call about an emergency meeting at the Ridge and when you work at a mental health hospital...an emergency meeting is never good. I am just worried...and worried about some specific situations that it could be concerning..and hoping it is none of them. As I was tucking myself into my couch (yes, after my dog so knowingly kicked me out of bed again with his never ending annoying whimpering..), I had many clever things to write about on here...but now my mind is blank. I do think it is much better when I blog in the early hours of the morning.

Funny how when I changed the name of my blog..I somehow related with the title..but it has became more and more true with each passing day. Hmm...interesting. Today was better. Getting out the house and doing something helps motivate me. I have been quite productive. I need to structure to each day. I have decided that dag gon it (there's a country word for ya!)...I am going to learn to cook. I purchased a cook book and I intend to learn to use it. Yes, for those of you who know me...this is a scary thought. I am ok at baking..but cooking..that's another story. It is something to do...and I am going to make myself learn. I realized that I had way too many pictures of Kaden on my myspace page...I was starting to look like crazy, cooky dog girl....I had like 6 total..yeah..too many...did a bit of a change up on the page and added some other pics and added a very fitting song. Work, work, work all weekend.

So, the past few days I have been like, ok..I am alright with being single. However, I have found another problem with being single when all your friends are not. You lose your travel companions. I would like to go somewhere this summer, but who will go with me, Kaden? Yeah, there's me, my dog, and my tripod. In a way that sounds nice, but another problem - I am female which means that I have to be even more careful when traveling. I am going to go to some random public place and pick some guy out, ask are you single, then inform him that I need a travel companion. Like really, I am tempted to call random people...who I am not even close to and say hey you want to go on vacation. For some odd reason I feel safer traveling internationally alone than in the US. What is up with that? Are crime rates really lower in Europe or is that my misconception? I am not saying that I want someone to go on trips to Europe...I am talking weekend trips...a few days at the beach. Things seem better when you have someone to share them with....tv shows. O.k. it boils down to one thing... I just want companionship, that's all...I long for, I need it. I am trying to be content, but it is dang hard when you are the only one having to be "content". And I don't want to settle. I want someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. The way I talk on here, you probably all thing I go out and scope and try to attack men wherever I go...really I don't. Just needed to vent, I will be ok now. Just me complaining...doing what I am good at. Then I will go sleep...at which I am even better.

I have been a complete bum the past 3 days. I have done nothing but lay around the house. I mean getting dressed meant simply putting a bra on. I am going to dinner with the girls tonight...which will be good to get out of the house. Kaden continues to learn new tricks to try to wake me up when I am sleeping though. The latest is lifting my hands up with his nose. It is too cute for me to get annoyed. He will jump on my chest lick my face several times..growl..then go try each hand. I have been having a strange thought today: what would it be like if I moved home. I have always said no way, but you know I guess it wouldn't be that bad...especially if I was doing photography versus counseling. It would be so hard to work in mental health at home. I was even adamently telling someone I would never go home last night, but now I am thinking it wouldn't be that bad..although I don't know if I would want to move back just yet...especially while I am single. It is hard enough trying to meet a guy where there are lots of guys around....downsize that and I might be single for the rest of my life. Just random thoughts.

I just ate the worst cornbread that I have ever had in my life. Where did it come from you ask? My lovely kitchen. I am still trying to figure out how I messed it up....I followed the exact directions that my mother gave me...who knows, who knows. I have had the past few days off..I have just been relaxing. Lisa's wedding was this past weekend...it went well. The only time I really lost it was when she was walking down the aisle. Blah, blah, blah that is how I am feeling. After a conversation with a friend, I am now feeling like I am just sitting here while my life goes by me and I turn a year older. Dude I need something to change up.

my favoriite picture from the big day

the happy couple

me with the bride

You know what I love? I love orange gatorade. I tend to go through stages of things I like to drink..orange juice, apple juice, coke is a constant..but I am enjoying the gatorade these days. I am getting in from work tonight. I am feeling somewhat stuck today. Stuck..in my mood...at my job...in my love life...in my routines...in this town. Just one of those days. I know there are things I can change..and some that I can not. Someone said to me that I could change my love life. Not so much. If I go on one more boring, bad date..or get let down one more time I think I will scream. I attempted the text message to let's call him country boy. No response. Not really shocked...but disappointed. He is one that I could get smitten for. I think part of my down mood is lack of social interaction. I feel like my days off are mostly spent alone and that could truly drive me crazy! I feel like everyone in my life is so busy and caught up in their own lives. It is kind of sad. Sometimes I wonder what lesson God is treating me by this funk that I am currently experiencing. Oh well. I am missing my little Kaden miserably right now. He is still at home and it is still going to be several days until I can go get him. At least my house is starting to smell decent though.:-)

The happy couple....just a few more days till Lisa and David's Wedding. (I hope Lisa doesn't beat me up for posting this!)

I realize that I have been a bit of slacker on the blogging. Not that there haven't been many things on my mind..I assure you..but I have just been mucho busy. Last weekend I went and took pictures at the first wedding of the summer. I thought it was in TN...but it was in NC..yeah...good thing I wasn't driving. Overall, I think it went well. Weddings are stressful for everyone involved. After the other 8 weddings I will be in, taking pictures at, or attending...I will probably decided that when/if I ever get hitched...I might end up eloping..haha. Yeah..age will probably factor in there too...at a certain point I will not even be able to have any bridesmaids because they will all be bridesmaidens. Oh, whoa is me...I know I will stop with the whining. I have had two days off and they have flown by..where in the world did they go? I could so use a whole week off.

Deep thoughts time. Well, in the forefront I am trying to convert romantic feelings into platonic friendship feelings. How's that going you ask? Haha. Yeah, you can change dynamics but the only thing that changes feelings is time. I have some current crushes that are providing some distraction. Crush #1 is a crush from the past. Wishing..and hoping (sing along)..that he would call. Oh well. Thinking I might send a not so discreet text message asking him if he would like to get together for dinner sometime. Crush #2 is out of league and not even feasible...yet a crush nonetheless...and a reason to motivate myself to go to work on the weekends. No joke, this dude really is a nice guy and will make a wonderful catch for someone one day..and I am enjoying just being his friend...and those blue eyes that come along with it. Nothing promising on the horizon of my love life..but really I do have enough to keep me busy, so I should just focus on that. I try and analyze too much..this I know. Still totally wanting a country guy though.

Men. So, I was looking through some of my childhood stuff today, which was so amusing I must say. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile..had to call Josh to get someone to share it with. Wow, Josh has known me through...wow....he really knows me and has managed to put up with me! What I discovered in my stroll down memory lane is that men were so much more expressive back in the day than now. The letters were covered with the "I love you" and the "you're so beautiful"..one guy even listed the things he loved about me. I guess hormones will make guys say anything..haha. No joke, what happened to the guys as they aged? I had forgot how good it feels to hear those things and know they are sincere (as opposed to some random dude trying to convince you to go home with him from the bar). I have been wondering if perhaps I am not "needy" enough for men. It's a strange deal because I pride myself on being independent..and how could a single gal at 26 not be? I "need" companionship for different reasons I guess. I "need" someone but I suppose it not as transparent...and something that has to be developed over time. As much as I talk about myself, I really do not like feeling vulnerable and showing that part of myself until I truly trust someone to see me in that light. I don't tend to be your damsel in distress. Maybe I should be. Yeah...off the bed now so I get up early to get my dress for Lisa's rehearsal dinner.

I continue to sleep on my couch as I have not had a chance to get my bed fully recovered from my ever peeing little punk of a dog. I am going out of town the next few days to take pictures at a wedding in TN. I actually have 3 other weddings and maybe booked another today. I am excited, but a bit nervous as well. Had another not so great first date this week. The guy was a nice guy, but I don't think there was anything there. The whole date I couldn't help but think of how much he reminded me of Seinfield...but without the funny part. I know it sounds like I am harsh, but I truly am not. There just has to be something there at least. Wish me luck on take pictures at wedding number 1.

What did I do to make my dog so angry with me? I am up at 3:30 am because I was laying there...almost asleep with I snuggled up to something wet...yes..Kaden relieved himself in my bed! This is the first time ever...and he went on a piece of the couch the other day too. I have been bragging about he hasn't been peeing as much in the floor...perhaps that is because he is going on all the furniture!! And so I am up..researching how to wash a down comforter...basically dry cleaning if you don't want to mess it up. I give up..I give up...I would rather him pee on the floor rather than furniture.

Its the bachelorette on her last night out as a single gal.

I have had a new insight into the type of guy I think I would be well suited with...a country boy. Yes, you heard it right, I think I am at least wanting to date a country boy right now. To be more specific a country boy who is not afraid to leave home to live and/or to travel. Strange new insight, isn't it?