In the past I have used this blog to share what is on my mind...but I am hesitant tonight to continue doing that. I tend to share a bit too much sometimes I guess, which gets people worried. What's unique about here is that I think many people share the same thoughts...I just speak it when many people don't. Old and bitter. I was described as that today. I have been thinking about this alot today. (The thing about me is that I take to heart what other people say and often internalize it..both the good and the bad). Let's start with the bitter. Yes, I am a bit jaded, however I think that it is something that comes with age. I am so not the only girl that feels this way..stop any adult woman on the street and you will find this to be true for many of them. Perhaps I express it a bit more..but that's me..you know what is on my mind. Perhaps if I had more positive experiences with the male gender, then I wouldn't be so jaded. Love makes you jaded though...so I think to have loved, is to have been jaded at one point. Responsibility...living on your own...working hard for years...that will make you somewhat jaded as well. When I was younger, the world was rose colored glasses...I could do anything and everything new was so wonderful. Well, with life, those glasses are removed...that does not make me bitter or old...that makes me mature and 26. When I was in high school...what were my worries...well, what days was I going to stay after school, do I really like so and so...and am I going to get prom queen, and what did so and so say about me. You know that was fine, because I was in high school..however I am an adult now, and stress comes with that. O.k. old...I sometimes feel old..but the fact of the matter is that I am not old. Mature...yes...old no. I feel like you are damned if you, damned if you don't sometimes. You are criticized for being frivolous and just going, dating whoever...but now I feel criticized at times for recognizing that I am ready to meet people for companionship. Old and bitter makes me think boring...and that is definitely one thing that I do not think I am. I am a fun person...I can be silly and make most people laugh...but I am an adult as well.

Women, do you ever feel like the ratio men: women is off balance...way more single women..than men it seems. It seems as if everyone is dating someone right now and that I must be one of the only single people in the whole stinkin cit. I have been questioning alot what I have to offer a companion. Don't know why, but I have been. I have been really hard on myself for a few days, but you know what I am a damn good catch and someone will notice that one day. I am educated, cultured (both in the world and Appalachian:-), personable, well spoken, settled, have a good job, a huge heart, a big sense of humor, I compromise and will make a wonderful mother and wife one day. I will be there for whoever my future companion is...when I love, I love with my whole heart. Yes, I have my faults...I talk too much, I am hopelessly clumsy (and my children will probably be too), I move alot in my sleep, and I am not the world best cook (but I am willing and am trying to work on that). You know, I just hope someone decides that besides just being a good friend...I make a good romantic companion too. Companionship...real male companionship is what I long for. To feel unconditional positive regard (yes, some Rogerian concepts there for you counselors) from someone..to know that no matter what they will always choose me first. I want that last call of the day. One day..maybe. Till then....I am going to try not to feel so lonely..even though that is so how it feels right now. I will chill out on the complaining.

Last note: I actually bought a coach purse tonight. Mind you...on sale. I think it was a great deal, but I shall not post the price. Men would die and women would think its a good deal. Either way..let's call it my "bitter and old" purse. I guess if I am going to be old and bitter..then I will spend my own money and do it in style. Special occasions..specifically heartbreaks off necessitate a new purse. (By the way...I think I am going to avoid dating as the spring draws near...I feel like heart break or disappointment if you will..is becoming an annual event.)

I am beginning to wonder if my blogs are getting too long and everyone is just getting tired of reading my rants. I will try to make this one short. I am attempting to embrace rejection. Hello rejection..nice to meet you..why yes, I do believe we have met several times before. This coming weekend...two nights of hanging with the girls..this is what I need. I am tired and heartbroken and frustrated at being in a rut. I am tired of falling hard for guys who don't reciprocate (over the past two years I am two for two). I get aggervated when I am talking to people..usually men..and they don't show any response. The "whatever you need" response. I think my professor hit it on the nail today as to why it gets to me. That no emotion reaction almost indicates a not caring attitude. Anger, sadness, happiness, frustration...these are things I can work with. Not that I want some to be angry..but just giving an example. Today was the last day of my class..thank goodness! Maybe being away from a campus will make me feel less stress.

What is new with my life? Well, I have worked and worked and worked this weekend. I am exhausted. I found out something yesterday that kept me up crying a good portion of the night. It is like the heart heals a bit...and boom another hit. It hurst even more when you realize that you are the only one that is hurting. Oh well. I have also been questioning myself. What do I have to offer a companion? Yes, I need to work on the whole self-esteem thing...but doesn't help when I find out...well some of you know to what I am referencing. Why can't we choose who we care for? That would make life so much easier. Even though I totally disagree with something someone is doing and feel insulted and hurt...I still can't stop caring for them. What is the freakin' deal? I am angry...so angry right now. So much for the mellow music stage...bring back out the man hating music. And what stinks..is that I have this little vindicative bitch voice in my head..but then I am too nice to really say and do those things. I say something I percieve as mean...and then I am apologizing because I don't want to hurt anyone I care about. How messed up is that? I removed all my dating profiles tonight. Why? Because I am not ready to date.. or at least don't have the energy to do it that way. I am talking to a few people and will continue to do so and see where they lead. The guy I enjoy talking to the most is up close to Cincinnati and is German (foreign..yes shocking I know..let's just ignore the fact that I can't stand the language). We can truly carry on some conversation..so it might go somewhere. The guy who found my blog is MIA...but really can you blame him? Scary, scary I know. There is also I good ole county boy in the mix but I fear that he may be disappointed in meeting me. I just don't have the energy to do it right now (although evidently purusing hard core is the way to go as it leads men to do stupid things) and I am comparing my interaction with the new people with someone else. Love freaking stinks!!!! So, I have the crush on this guy at work..he is 22 (and I felt bad about it because he is 4 years younger..but apparently age doesn't matter these days, does it?) and totally out of my league..but like I said it is a crush. A crush on a hot guy who has a wonderful personality. Well, evidently I am completely transparent and everyone at work figured it out. I found out tonight that he knows..he told another guy at work. Great...can this week get just a bit better? How totally embarressed am I? Yes, this coming from the girl notorious for "confessions"..some crushes are just not meant to come out, you know? Life sucks this week..that's all I can say.

Top 10 Reasons To Date a Women in Her in Mid-twenties - Thirty

1. They have completed puberty.
2. They have their life in order, they have finished school,and/or are settled in their job..or at least have a high school degree.
3. They can vote, get married..and by all means are an adult.
4. They are in their sexual prime.
5. They are matured and don't tell every guy they date that they love them...they understand what love is...and don't use the word recklessly.
6. They don't live with their parents.
7. They have learned to identify as a woman, they decorate their home, attempt to cook, are getting ready to be settled down.
8. Many are ready and have the qualities to make a great mother.
9. They have completed their "wild" stage and completed much of their questioning of life.
10. Yet...they are still fun and aren't burned out on life.

Why this list? Well, I get frustrated at the fact that it is so hard to find men to date...and then we find good men dating people...or children sometimes...who are half their age. Many of the good women who are at a perfect stage in their life to meet someone are overlooked or ignored because there is something younger and more inticing. I imagine this is only going to get worse as I age. (Some of you will get this more than others).

I am exhausted. Why am I not in bed? Well, I am finishing up some odds and ends and then I will crash. I didn't get home from work until late. You ever wonder how seemingly normal people just crack one day? Imagine me..getting off work two hours late...5 am mind you...and I am excited because I can get McDonalds breakfast...because let's be honest..when else am I up in time to get it? I get there..its like 4:57 and they are like we are still serving from our night menu. So I was like...how much longer will it be...5 minutes...so I wait..and then place my order. Ok...then I get there with my credit card and they are like we don't take credit cards..what!?*! You do ever other time of the day..and I don't see a sign saying otherwise. Well, they tried my card and for some reason it worked. Really..if it hadn't....who knows. I can understand people snapping sometimes.:-)

Hmm...so I think I shouldn't date until my self esteem is better..this is my new conclusion. It is a bad thing when I am wondering what I have to offer someone. I mean I am either too dumb or too smart...too country or too city...i am too cultured or not cultured enough...i am too liberal...or too conservative (yes...this would be said by some). Frustration...frustration. I am going to close down my profiles this weekend. I am talking to a few people..and will continue to see if those go anywhere..but other than that...going to go MIA again for a bit from the dating scene. I am forcing myself to go on a lunch date tomorrow. Wish me luck...first sorta kinda date in a looooooooooong time. On another random note...isn't it funny how you can get your heart broken or feeling hurt when you are not even dating that someone? Love is strange...yeah..yeah. (song from Dirty Dancing) On that note..I will end.

So..what would be the scariest thing for a guy considering potentially dating me? Yes...finding my blog. Just step back and think about this...I would be scared! If you didn't know me...it might be hard to see all the humor in my rantings.:-) Perhaps a bit too much Jessica too fast. Definately get a quick insight into my thoughts and feelings. Those guys who find out my messenger or email and then disappear...hmm...don't think it was my paranoia...it was perhaps finding my blog. See..I am not paranoid! This guy that I have been chatting with on match sent me an email letting me know that he had read my blog. First thought..oh no! But then..you know, if someone has seen that side of me and still would like to get to know me better..perhaps that is a good thing. Goodness help me..that is all I know. In high school I can remember each day coming in...finding my group of friends and sharing my latest rantings and stories...this is just my way of doing that now. Oh well! Random thought: I am considering getting a kitten..good or bad idea?

Before...my lovely brother and sister before prom...I have no clue where they get it from..haha

After..congrats to the new prom queen and king

Evidently today I am decided to pretend like I am Betty Crocker. Basically what happened is that I went to the grocery store last night...while I was hungry...and came home with tons o' food. I made both a blueberry pie and chocolate pie..yeah..what's up with me? Today I did much of nothing which was great...and at least I did sleep all day..that is a good thing. Going home to the big city of Jackson for prom. (That sounds like I am going to prom..yes...I am so desperate that I have a date to prom). Megan and Matthew are on prom court...and I am going home to watch coronation and take pics. Take note that Kaden's birthday is coming up on the 22nd. Now I think that is an occasion to have a gathering.

hello there u look nice. So, I think that I am even more mean and more picky online. Please..please just email me some worth reading..or that shows you can carry on a conversation. Yes, I had a day off finally..of course I sleeped nearly all day...and I am getting ready to go to bed again. It is true that I like to sleep..but when I work the night shift..especially several days in a row..it truly messes me up.

One of my new joys in life: Shea body butter from the body shop. I went on a bit of a lotion shopping spree the other day and now I am reaping the benefits. All night at work I kept smelling myself. Yes, I love the stuff and it makes my skin so soft. Oh, the small things in life.

I must admit that I can be a needy friend at times. I love living by myself, but I also love sharing things..and social interaction. Hence I can been a needy friend. I usually rotate friends that get my random calls...talking about something I found on the internet or my latest emotional outburst. This often happens at work..the me calling people...because when I work the late schedule I am there by myself. So thank you all who have been a friend to me over the years and a special thanks to that friend(s) who are dealing with my random callings at the moment. ( For those who read this blog and don't know me that well...I bet I paint a strange picture of myself..haha).

O.k. now for disturbing news. I attract freaks...I really do. Case in point....you can look and who has been checking you out on match.com. I came across this strange profile that I can't figure out is for real or not..but nevertheless it shows the type of guys I am attracting and how much it an overgrown impossible to tread through jungle out there. Below are some excerpts of the disturbing profile:

I was a Weapons System Officer on the B1B Lancer Bomber during Iraqi Freedom and although I have family in Iraq I thoroughly enjoyed dropping bombs on the so called Iraqi military! Because of my open enjoyment of the war I was transferred by my commanding officer and a commander's review board after my return from the war to the C-130 Hercules aircraft, it's a peaceful aircraft.I've been in combat many times and have to admit I really enjoyed it, there's nothing like getting shot at and being able to shoot back or in my case watching the bombs go boom! I've got quite a few confirmed kills and I am truly proud to defend our country from terrorism! I also loved AC/DC "THUNDERSTRUCK" while we were dropping tons of bombs, just like thunder from the sky on the crap below us!! War is in my blood, I was made for war, like it or not. I long to return to combat to kill more lowlifes. (Translation you think you are the s*** because you were so vocal about your love of war and you were forced to be transferred. What that really means is that you a voyeuristic person who gets joy out of others being killed...maybe power issues...and use the army as an outlet for that.)


my religion : I recently converted to Islam during a stint in a maximum security prison for a crime I was later found not be be guilty of... I learned to appreciate Islam. I do drink alcohol on a regular basis, after being in the military, you learn to drink. (And why are you sharing that you were in prison?)

favorite hot spots:Locally there isn't much to do, I do sometimes go to the Blue Moon, Applebee's on Thursday night for a few drinks with friends, get drunk and always drive home without getting pulled over, see ya POPO!! 100 times driving DUI w/o getting caught yet.

So, this all really came from this guy's profile. Wow...I don't know what gets me more...the joy he gets for killing others (note: I totally support our military..but I find his attitude disturbing and feel like people such as him could be detrimental in our armforces..), the time in prison, or the continual drunk driving. He sounds like such a catch! Girls..you will have to fight me over this one.

I am still up at 6am...sad times...working the night shift. I am so glad that I don't work it all the time. My sleep gets even more messed up...(yes it can be worse than it normally is). An embarrassing Jessica story to start off your week. I have been craving breakfast..and unfortunately when I get off at 3 am...or 4:30 as it was tonight..it is hard to find good breakfast. I decided that I was craving it enough that I would order Waffle House...so I did and I arrived to only remember they take cash only. I had to dig through my car and count out change...and still was going to be a bit short. I made the comment to the waitress..oh I bet this happens all the time..and she was like "no..this is actually the first time I have seen it". Yeah..she finally donated a dollar and I got my food. Sad...Embarrassing times...I have to start carrying cash!!! I think she felt sorry for me because I looked a bit disheveled and evidently she had been to the Ridge (per her report) before...so she felt sorry for the sad looking counselor I suppose.

I am finding I am even more picky when it comes to online dating. I mean really..I am no genius, but I will only respond if you have things spelled correctly in your profile..and any emails to me (I mean there is spell check). O.k. everyone misspells a word here and there..but if it over and over..then I am like..for the love! Plus, attempt to carry on a decent email conversation. I mean "hey cutie...how are you?" does not count. If I can't exchange a few emails with you...dinner would be torture! I don't know if I am ready to be thrown back into all this. I am thinking that I just need to admit that I need some time just working on me. The thing that makes that hard to admit is because I am feeling so lonely these days and just long for companionship. What is causing this sudden increase in the urgency to feel that void? Well, the void has became bigger....it was filled through friendships..but i feel like the whole dynamic of my social network is changing..and everyone is either pairing off or just really busy. Then there is that stinkin' hung up on someone piece as well. So it creates a struggle in me...but I think I am just needing to chill out for a bit and deal with being lonely.

Would write more but I am tired and don't want to run the risk of writing in circles and only speaking nonsense. Enjoy your Monday.

O.k...ok...so your points were taken into consideration. Let's be honest...I speak enough french to get me by in Paris..but that's about it. Je appelle Jessica? Une billet sil vous plait? (and I can't even spell any of it too) So..I should take it off the match profile. Don't know about this whole online dating thing...it is alot of work I think...and alot of stuff to look through. The sites are like going to a yard sale or even TJ Max...you know some good deals are there...but man do you have to look through alot of things to find it! No one said love was easy, but should it be this hard? I mean hello...I had a random set up that honestly ended up being someone to capture my heart...so can the next guy just jump out in front of my car of simply leave a love note on my door...yeah..that will happen. And I worry that I am coming across as too serious...I mean yes, I am looking for a relationship..but I am not some old boring lady on the same token. Since men never grow up...I don't want them to run from my profile. O.k. I am getting so tired that I am probably not making sense...at this point I will say good night.

For your amusement...my actual profile. I think its honest and truthful, what do you think?

Again, having trouble sleeping..even though I am exhausted. Just have some things on my mind I suppose. So, by tomorrow I will probably have a profile up on match.com...I know it is so exciting (not). In honor of my plunging back into the scary depths of internet dating...I thought you would enjoy what would be a brutally honest profile message on match.

Very emotional white female with limited patience who is still hung up on someone else seeks companionship in an effort to move on. Looking for someone to eventually marry that will be willing to give me lots of little babies...let's be honest the biological clock is ticking faster each day. Will be major bonus points if you are Irish or have significant Irish heritage. (long story on that one). I am on here because my heart is a bit broken at the moment and all my friends are paired up or getting married. Steady finances are a neccessity to finance my travel and photography hobbies (and so I can stay home with the kids till they go to school). Please no "failure to launch" men, freaks, or scrubs (scrub is the guy that can't get no love from me..sing along). Must be willing to be my doggie daddy...in need of some discipline for my current dog Kaden. Must be handy around the house...we are talking heavy duty here...and ability to work on a car with be nice too. An ability to handle my emotional outbursts and verbal vommiting of my feelings on a weekly..if not daily basis....and understand that growling is second nature to me. Must meet all the above criteria...and more...plus give me butterflies and kisses to die for. No hook-ups please: potential mates only needed.

What do you think? I could either put the picture with the oar above my head or the weird tan line one...which would reel them in more do you think? Haha. I think this would make them men run faster than the other. To be honest the profile I typed up was very candid and honest. If I feeling especially brave I may post the link to my real profile when it is "approved" and up and running. Why am I doing the torture again? Well, first I am lonely and want to meet new people. Second, where else am I going to meet them? And third well...I am hung up on a "friend" and need to move on..whether I want to or not. To be quite honest I don't but life doesn't always work the way you want it to, does it? Looking back, and thinking on this current situation...I get so frustrated with the timing of things. I feel like I have met some wonderful men who could had made great companions...at the wrong time. Or when things get in line...they have a girlfriend (i.e. I would move to another country but...no there's that stinkin' girlfriend). Sometimes I just feel like I get the shaft when it comes to relationshipz and that time and timing are NOT on my side. I feel like its this race that I have to get in...even if all my training is not completed. Make sense? O.k. enough ranting for now.

I should be asleep...as it is normal sleeping hours, but I worked my lovely 5-3 shift this weekend so my schedule is all messed up and I will no doubt just be exhausted and perhaps a bit grouchy tomorrow. I purchased some new underwear this weekend from Victoria Secret and it is the underwear that I bought that are just strange at first. I purchased these boy short underwear in this really soft material..but it takes awhile to get used to wearing them. If feels almost like I have little boxers on under my clothes or something. To be quite honest I suppose they would be more compariable to boxer/briefs. I keep on feeling the need to adjust them. Strangeness. I really do like the underwear that look like men's briefs..walmart hanes herway specials...they are totally comfortable, although not that attractive I suppose.

This weekend my lonely life included cleaning and working. I seem to continually find things to clean. A bit of control thing there..I am sure. (Why can't I control my diet..haha?) Got a little..ok alot..down in the dumps on Friday due to a number of factors, but I deleted the blog because I am sure that you are as tired of me as I am myself of hearing my "whoa is me...doomed to a life of solitutude" stuff. Now, do I still feel like that? Yes, but I am going to attempt to not bombard you with it and focus on other things. You know what is really frustrating though when it comes to matters of the heart. When you are just going along your merry little way...yes, i know my feelings and thoughts..and then boom something happens and you are like...for the love where did these emotions come from! How can your thoughts and feelings..that obviously both belong to you...disagree so much? I think we should just have a national follow your feelings day. (In which I am sure both really good and really bad things would happen). Sometimes I think your feelings can be more true telling than thoughts...hmm..what do you all think about that? Well, there is really nothing to do with these mysterious emotions that emerged. I will share them as I tend to do...but what good does that do really. I care for someone....they don't care for me in the same manner...same ole, same old story. The lesson of this story? Move on stupid Jessica...move on! And it is not that the person is intentionally preventing me from moving on...it's just that moving on would probably be a healthy solution for me. The plan this week..consider joining one the dating sites again (ugh...I know...I feel the same way) and check into the speed dating thing. Otherwise no other way I can think to throw myself back into the ringer. Now I will try to force myself to go to sleep so that I can have a bit of patience at work tomorrow.

not so attractive picture of me...but shows my typical interaction with the sun

So, there was a very depressing blog entry here from last night, but let's be honest, it was just too depressing to leave up and it made me feel a little too vulnerable. The gist was I was feeling sad and lonley, was feeling a bit impulsive, and that my dog licks tears off my face..yes I can't even cry in peace. If you missed it..well just have to really be on the ball checking my blog to catch the really vulnerable ones.