Feel the pressure to post because I feel like everyone may check it when they return to work or school on Monday...don't really know if it's true..but nevertheless I am posting. Had a weekend of working and then attending a wedding reception yesterday. One down, and how many to go? Seriously, I am bit worried because as much as I complain about being single, I hate the drama of relationships sometimes. When you are crying more than smiling...I think that is time to reconsider things. Some of my friends (um..the majority of them) are reconsidering relationships right now...it is kind of strange. It is like everyone goes in waves.....is there something in the air that makes people reconsider things this time of the year? I guess we are hitting the holiday slump...no major holiday again after Valentine's Day...that is celebrated by couples...until a birthday or Thanksgiving. After grinding the teeth through the holidays are people just going crazy? Who knows? I would bet that the majority of them will get through it and be ok..this is just my prediction. Because as much as I am bitter and lonely...I truly don't wish it upon everyone.

Anger..this is something that I have been feeling lately. Hell hath no fury like a women scorned...well no one has particularly scorned me...but I do feel it a bit I suppose. I am just bottled up with anger and bitterness that needs to be released I have decided. I guess at times I have unfairly focused it on people or situations because it gives a target for all that emotion. When I dwell on those things..that really are not that significant to me...I realize my misplaced anger.

You know...I think every girl at some point has complained about one of their girlfriends dropping their friends for a guy. We all have been on both ends...some to more extremes..but I think most girls understand the situation. Guys don't do this..why? I guess because their friendships are not the same. When a girlfriend disappears a girl notices that void..but I don't think it is as evident with guys. I don't know what it is with girls..you just don't want to feel like second place to people you almost consider family. Strangeness really. I think as I have gotten older this has taken on a whole new meaning. Granted..many of my friends are in rocky situations right now, but regardless...they are all attached in some respect. Of my single friends I am a dying breed at the moment. It makes me feel left out and left behind. It makes me feel this urgency to post on dating websites to meet someone because otherwise I am just going to be a sad, lonely individual. That is frustrating to me...because I consider many of my friends like family. So what happens if everyone else marries off and I am still single? This is my concern. This is to not say that all my friends in relationships have disappeared...but it changes the dynamic of a friendship..especially when they get married. Perhaps that is why I cry when I find out one of my closest friends is getting married? I am truly happy for every one of my friends...especially when I feel like they have met a great partner...but there is that left behind feeling that creates some sadness. (Not to worry though...my coworkers are on the case as the receptionist has give me her cousin's email address and the nurse on the boys unit is telling the mhas that i am a good catch...must be coming across as really desperate..haha...i must learn to keep my big trap shut!)

Speaking of marriage...I had dinner with Lisa and David this weekend. I have no doubt that Lisa picked the right guy..especially when after hearing my irish saga he told me I should move to Ireland (at which point Lisa screamed at him..haha). I had to share because I thought it was a wonderful suggestion...not just because of the history it holds for me. I think the thought of moving always feels invigorating...but there are many down sides to it too. So, I think I have written enough for you to chew on for now.

So, I am so annoyed that my face is broke out like I am a teenager entering puberty. It is horrible. I makes me not even want to put makeup on! Silly how those things can affect your mood. I am hoping it is just because it is that "special" time of the month. Oh well...I am dealing with it.

Nothing too exciting been happening with me. Working..working. Drove up to Louisville and took some pictures for Miranda. I was a bit disappointed in the images..the first time I used digital..but I will see what i think when I get them printed. I did book a flight to Denver though for March..and then a 3 day excursion to Vegas.:-) Something to look foward to and get excited about. I still have an itching to go to Europe in the spring or fall..but I will just have to wait and see how much money I can save up.

I have a new theory for living life...perhaps I should just give up both men and food. I guess that would make me an anorexic lesbian? Would be a total different person that is for sure.:-) So, I am taking this marriage and family counseling course. On Valentines Day we discussed what is falling in love..yes that was amusing. Me...on Valentine's Day...bitter..and jaded...discussing what it means to "fall in love". Well, anyways, the new thing is that we are suppose to name three things that bother us about our partner..since I don't have anything even remotely close to a significant other...I thought I my dear Kaden...so my gripes for class will be....
1. I hate it when you poop and pee in the floor.
2. It really embarasses me when you play with and chew on my underwear.
3. I get really upset when you chew on the furniture.
Hmmm..what do you think my classmates will think?

Some people truly miss their high school days. My experience in high school was not bad, but I don't often pine for the days of long ago..except when I see that blue message across the television screen indicating a snow day. I wish so much that I could still have snow days as an adult..but that just doesn't happen. Ah..the benefits of growing up in the middle of nowhere KY..snow days. I guess we get sick days..but in my case I don't get too many of those.

Fixed the oddest thing for dinner..it is pasta that looks like rice. When I was the devote Jenny Craig follower..one of my favorite meals had it..I think..the pasta ole. Tonight I made the orzo..and it went nicely with my left over pepper deal I make. You know the only person that seems to like my pepper thing is Kaden....he enjoys it just as much as I do. Perhaps that will be the sign that I have met "the one" when I find someone who likes it..haha. Yeah..not so much..I mean really it will be hard enough without throwing those type of criteria in the loop.

Finding that I need to just let some things..that I can't control not bother me and eat on my mind. Sometimes I let things dwell with me until they drive me crazy...even if they play no significant role in my life. I keep coming up with all these new goals..perhaps I should have Jessica's new goal of the day.

Visited my grandma Campbell for the first time in probably over a year. She will be 97 next month..how crazy is that...and is still fairly lucid...and gets around. Wow..it just amazes me. I know I should go visit more. It is just hard for a number of reasons, but it is because of those reasons that I should go. I realize that I really don't know my father's side of the family very much at all. Sometimes I wonder how much I am or am not like him. Anyways..off to bed now.

Some people suggest that you could meet a potential "someone" at the grocery store...well I don't think that is going to happen to me. For instance today..I went to Krogers at Hartland in my pajamas..yes...I tend to not make eye contact with anyone when I am that scary looking. Just a random thought.

I fought the notion to post a profile on a dating website. Really, I don't have it in me to date right now, but then I have been feeling "All by myself..don't wanna be..all by myself" (the song..imagine me singing it). I like having the weekends off, but I am wondering if it is going to make me more lonely. I feel like more of a loser sitting home in my pjs on a sat night as compared to a tuesday night..hmmm. I know that it is best that I don't date right now..for a number of reasons (i.e. i need some discovery time for myself and i am not over other people..no names). Anyways, anyways.

I am driving to Louisville tomorrow to take some potraits for my cousin Miranda. The plan was to go today..but after getting caught up in a friend situation last night..and being up most of the night, I was a bit exhausted. Plus let's be honest..with the snow..it was a great day to just stay in. This weekend has basically been just me and Kaden chilling. Me yelling at him because he can't figure out the steps to the bed or that he can pee on snow. Really, can you say frustration?

O.k. after I have depressed you too pieces...check out this for a good laugh..specifically the dating fiasco. Crack me up! I think I would have to go with #2 hands down.

Why am I still up at 4:30 when I have to get up at 10 in the morning? Part of it is the fact that I need more than 1 day from switch from one shift to another and the other part is because I can't stop thinking. It is not really anxiety type of thinking...I mean I don't have too much to worry about really..just other things. I am feeling angry and selfish at all the bitterness and cynicisim that I am feeling. I am having trouble being happy for those around me who are happy in terms of romantic relationships. I mean, really on the one hand I am happy for anything that makes those that I care about happy..but I am sad too and bitter for those I don't know. It is not their fault that they are happy...so I am so frustrated with myself. This stupid ass holiday is affecting me too much this year. What's up with that? This is all ridiculous. Really you should probably ignore this email as it is written at a late hour and the fact that I am emotional today.

Well, I had a yes, my job is stressful evening tonight. It was extremely hectic with just things to do and "fires" to put out. Then I guess it all was topped off when the unit complained that there was nothing that I said rude..but just my tone of voice. For the love, if they heard anything they heard me echoing back the screaming they do at me. Stressful times...at one point I went in the directors office..shut the door...cried a bit..regained my composure and headed back for the frontline. One of the mds was suppose to actually send us pizza due to the night we had..but it never came..so it was like a cruel joke as I was checking the door for it..and I was starving. It never came..but I did go to Perkins and pick up a little breakfast buffet for me and Kaden...I mean really I can eat what on want on Valentine's Day.

O.k. another thing that is bothering me is a little personal I suppose. I have to go for a check up on some lumps on my breast this week. I wasn't worried about it until I called the place and all the recordings are talking about cancer, cancer recovery. Talk about provoking anxiety.. I mean really. So, honestly I think I have been a bit worried and on edge about that the past few days.

Speaking of stress...happy v-day...single awareness day (i.e. SAD..how funnny is that?). Really I would like nothing better than to simply sleep through the entire day. To be honest...I probably could manage that if I didn't have to get up and go to class tomorrow evening. The perfect way to spend Valentine's Day would be in my pajamas with some chocolate (such as reeses...or something peanut butter related) and some coke of course. Unfortunately I must get up at 4 or so and go to class though...so that ruins my plan of excessive sleeping and unhealthy eating..i have to face the happy go lucky people and flowers gallore. Perhaps, I can get some chocolate covered strawberries from Old Kentucky Chocolates. I tried to get some last year, but they were all sold out..I probably should set my alarm and go get some early morning..but I won't...guess I may take my shot later in the day at seeing if they have any left. I must admit that over the last week or so I have found the bitterness growing in me about the topic of love. A girl at work told me about how she is marrying a guy that she met a month ago...they are getting married this summer....getting a house right now. The old Jessica would have been like "how romantic" and all happy when the girl was saying "when you know its the one, you know"...but the new Jessica is simply annoyed and cynical and guessing how long it will take that marriage to break up. I mean really the whole concept of "the one"...I want to believe in it..but I am just doubtful..and even if you think you know..I don't think you should jump into something head first like that. (This coming from the girl that puts full heart into love matters). I mean all this "jumping" in is why every other marriage ends in divorce. Marriage is treated like going steady to some people and that frustrates me. Marriage is sacred and maybe one day I will meet "the one" or one of the "ones" and will have my chance at the whole love thing. Or am I just frustrated because i am nobodys "the one" and that I am just lonley and bitter? Sorry for the tanget. This is a sign that I should go to bed...and sleep until I have class tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day to those of you celebrating it...and to those like me who are not observing it.:-)

I just had a yes, I like my job..I may be helping people moment. (I tried to call several people to share, but no one was answering...let's be honest I have more people reading my blog than calling me these days..sad, but true.) Basically I got to do some pseudo family counseling...and I felt like it went well..it was a little on the Dr. Phil pace..but not like I have lots of time here either. Does it make me regret my school decision? No, I still do feel like I did the right thing for me right now. And everyone..including my professor...have be supportive thus far. I am just being assertive about it and I am feeling much relief. Evidently even my blood pressure agrees...just too it and it continues to be in average range...miracle for me.

I have some new goals. #1 I want to work on not having a red kool-aid mustache/fangs everytime I drink kool-aid..besides the fact that I may live with someone one day that it may annoy...it is also hard to remove. I am finding that each day as I am getting ready for work, I am trying to scrub the red off. Or maybe I could just propose to the Kool-Aid company that I do ads for them...me and kaden with matching strange mustaches...be honest..it would make you want to buy sugar-free kool-aid. Ok., seriously #2 Stop asking questions that you really don't want the answer to. I found myself almost doing that tonight..I tend to go by the..if it's on my mind..then ask it policy..but really do I need to always do this when I know what the answer is and it will only serve as a confirmation and add more hurt to my life. No, don't ask if you know that answer..or think you do..or if it's not totally neccessary to know. Don't ask..don't need to know policy. If you are fairly sure someone is ignoring you...do you really have to ask them and know every detail of it? I say no...because overall I have good instincts and if I just followed them and lived with that...I think that it would be all and well. Eliminate potential hurt...new goal.

Another thought..just have no faith in men...then when they actually come around or do something good..it will a suprise. Don't be suprised when guys who haven't called you in months call and ask random questions of no relevance or tell you happy valentine's day 4 days in advance. Don't be frustrated..just don't try to understand them and be pleasantly suprised when they are normal or do something nice. On the Valentines' Day thing...can I just complain though...I mean really..don't mention the stinkin' holiday in advance when I know you are probably sending flowers to someone else. That's all I am saying.

Kaden..the love and terror of my life. My back is aching because I have been sleeping on the couch so much. Doggie steps are in the mail..but not here quite yet. Probably doesn't matter..he'll probably be stubborn and not want to use them..haha.

I have such an itching to travel right now. The thought of going to Europe..and Ireland makes me smile. I tend to feel so calm and often relaxed when I am away. I have this image of me sitting beside the Lakes of Killarney in Ireland...just looking out into the horizon and feeling like I don't have a care in the world and like anything really is possible. (Corny moment..I know). Sigh...

One last random thought that i have been having. Been talking with some people and debating...really how does one determine is themself or someone else is a good kisser? I don't think there really is a way to know and it is not fair to place labels, because really it is about compatibility and related to emotions felt for that person. Thinking back...in the last 5 years...there have only been two people that I have truly enjoyed kissing and felt compatibility. One of them lives in another country...oh whoever could I be talking about and well you'll just have your own guesses on the other.

Pure randomness...my thoughts are all over the map tonight.

So..I made the decision. At this point, I am not going to continue my PhD. I sent the email to the chair of my committee..it is official. I am sick to my stomach, but I do think that I made the right decision. It is a scary thing..making such a big decision. I am doing it because I think that it will make me the happiest in the long run. My heart is just not there right now...not so fun times. Plus, I suppose it doesn't help that I am sick right now and laying on the couch feeling sick everytime that I move.

A picture of Kaden taking with my new camera. He is so cute isn't he?

One day off is clearly not long enough. I slept a good portion of the day..as is standard with my days off...especially when I did not fall asleep till daylight anyways. Had big plans today of getting my house clean and laundry....didn't quite accomplish that. Oh well...did give Kaden a bath, work a bit on my photography website and at least get the dishes done. I hate coming home to a dirty house after work! Oh well...since I am going to work at the crack of dawn for me (i.e. 8 am)..I should get home early enough to do some things tomorrow. Although I am skeptical about how productive I will be at work seeing as I am still wide awake..and won't get much sleep. Oh well...they are the ones who asked me to come in at that time... I ended up spending time talking with friends. I have been going to my friends with my drama..so I spent some time helping my friends sort through some of their dramas. I am extremely thankful to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I took the plunge and upgraded to digital. This camera is so wonderful...poor Kaden has been putting up with me taking pictures of him so I can play around with everything. Two weddings scheduled now...fun times.

So, let's go for the con list of returning to school full time next year.

1. I might be completely miserable. (haven't enjoyed the classes I have been taking this year AT ALL).
2. 3 years is a long time....I mean I could be a lawyer or anything I wanted to be in that time.
3. Will it make me happy?
4. May waste lots of loan money.
5. It could turn into 4 years..yeah...all it takes is me not getting into the right class.

I have been talking to many friends about this issue. To be honest, most I can hear in the tone of the voice that they think it is completely crazy for me to stop at something I have put so much time into already. One person asked me a good question..and that is what I would like to be doing 3 years from now. To be honest, the thought of doing photography over psychology 2 years from now makes me much happier. I just don't know..it is such a big decision. Or is it really? Sigh. Today i am 60/40..leaning towards no school.

Men...just a few notes on them. Men complain about women being incredibly hard to figure out...that is nothing compared to women trying to figure men out. Never got a call from ole baseball boy. Got random emails and text messages..but no calls. Sketchy..sketchy. Makes me think there may be a girlfriend or something. It is so hard to meet someone that you feel comfortable around and that makes you want to smile when you think of kissing them....what movie was that where the popping of the foot was suppose to distinguish something? Anyways, all I am saying is that it is hard to come by...so you have to find that..plus make sure that you have everything else in common. My dears..this is not an easy task..not easy at all. Recently I found one half..but not the other I suppose. Oh well....should go to bed now.

Oh...also in an effort to fill my maid of honor duties: please note - LISA AND DAVID ARE REGISTERED AT BED, BATH, AND BEYOND AND MACYS.

Just enjoying some days off here. Had dinner with a friend and worked on my website for my pictures..it looks much better. If you look at the weddings link page with the music going, it is quite depressing. I suppose it will be all happy, happy for the engaged couples wanting pictures..hence the reason I put it on there.

My meeting at school went well yesterday. I felt like going back to school is more manageable. The question is what do I really want to do about it? Let's be honest...what do I want to do..haha...I want to get married and have children..that is what I want to do and take pictures on the side. (Yeah..maybe I should make that a headline on some dating websites..haha). I don't know..this whole professional woman thing is messed up. It's like you work so hard to get to a place and then it is like, so what? Is my title going to make me happy or keep me warm at night? No. Yet, I am sure that one day...my thinking my flip and I will want to focus more on my career. Right now I am just feeling so apathetic about the whole thing. But if I don't care..then (as one friend pointed out) why am I focussing on and obsessing over it so much? Not sure how to answer that contradiction. These are things we should be talking about in my counseling sessions..but we can't seem to get past childhood..we are still pre-high school after how long? Fun, fun.

O.k., so let's talk the pros of going back for today..and then I will talk cons tomorrow.

1. I will finish out my degree
2. I can be called Dr. Campbell:-)
3. I will have a wide range of career options within the field...much more than presently
4. Pay raise
5. Will not have wasted how many years of education?
6. I am so close..why not?
7. What else am I feasibly going to do?
8. Won't feel like a failure.
9. Will be able to support Kaden (joking..joking)

What do y'all think? I don't know.

Just an fyi..if you looked at my myspace thing today..you should look again because the cool part wasn't working...but now is.:-)

It's out of control....I set up a myspace account..oh the things I find to waste my days...or night..or early morning as it is now. http://www.myspace.com/jessicadawncampbell