Finally I am at the end of my "work week", and actually get three whole days off. Whatever will I do with myself? I do believe that I would be much happier at work if I had a consistent work schedule. I don't know whether I am coming or going with my current schedule.

I have been doing some self-evaluation over the past few days. First thing I am noticing my impulsivity..especially when related to emotions. (Not a shocker to some of you). It eats at me to keep my emotions to myself because there is something relieving to just get them off my chest. Some people have even referred to them as my "confessions". I was the little girl who would call up the guy I liked and be like hey I like you, do you want to be my boyfriend? (Or have my friend call..you know how that is). Point is that I am always going around spreading my emotions all over the place. Those who know me well..understand that is a part of who I am...but I think it can be scary for others. Another strange thing is that while I share much info about myself to everyone around me....I am still very reserved about other things. Ok..now I just may be confusing and boring you. Another thought I have been having is about my "depth". I tend to have stories to tell and things to make people laugh..but where do I go beyond that. I know me and I feel like there is so much more to me...but I wonder how much of that I share in everyday life? If I don't have depth..then by default am I "shallow" in character? I don't think so, and I hope that isn't the image that I present.

On the topic of impulsivity and emotions...did call the guy the other night...he didn't answer..which was good. What I am finding is that I miss companionship. Now, I know we weren't anything but just "hanging out", "going out"..whatever you want to call it...but I got very used to having someone calling me each day and caring about what was going on in my life. (And no, this is not a cue that each of you need to start calling me each day..haha). I miss him right now, that's it. I need the time though so I may can be just friends with him. With time I may be ok with the side hugs. Um..maybe not. Kaden should get side hugs then too, right? O.k., let's be honest the side hug thing is bugging me...becoming a bit bitter about it. Bitter can be good though...it is a step past wallowing is sadness and the "whoa is me". Really, I will stop the madness now.

On matters of the broken heart, I did meet a guy this weekend. Not a big deal, just exchanged numbers, etc. Seemed like a decent guy..actually is a coach for UK and I did the stalker girl thing and looked him up..he wasn't lying. I won't be a complete psycho and post the link though. No call yet...not suprising and maybe good. I am not feeling up to really trying anything new with anyone...I just sort of accidently met this guy. My dear friends pointed out to me that for nearly two years I have been on a dating/pseudo dating rollercoaster. This is me, miss independent..what's up with that? Time for me, myself, and Kaden...that is what I should do. Another note is that I should apply the dating experiences to help me realize that I am not this horrible un-dateable person that I often feel like. Self-esteem....it is at the root of many of my dilemmas. Enough of the ranting...I am going to go to bed. (Wish me luck: early morning talking with the chair of my committee..yeah..haven't met with her in 8 months..I am mucho nervous..trying to dig myself out of the hole I seemed to have crawled into with my department).

Today was my day off...so much for that. Someone called in sick, so being supervisor on call, I had to work the shift today. I guess it will be good on my next paycheck. I attempted to take a brief nap tonight...which was unsuccessful thanks to being on call at work and my lovely little doggie companion. Oh well, the day is over now.

Still have a bit of cold. Perhaps it is being I am keeping my apartment so cool due having gas heat or taking Kaden out in my bare feet in the winter. Hmm...just a few ideas.

These days I am leaning more towards going back to school full-time next semester. I know that was always the plan...but at times I think about alternatives. I mean really, why shouldn't I go back to school? That is my thinking these days..it can hurt to finish up a degree that I am three fourths finished with. Although there are some other things..but will get into that debate some other time...don't have the energy really for that tonight.

So, a decision has been made that perhaps I shouldn't speak with the guy that I am now just friends with..for at least awhile. How long is awhile? Well, I am not quite sure right now. What I am certain of is the fact that I need to learn not to dial him on speed dial everytime I want to share something with someone...that is a bit over the limit with just a friend. Before I go to bed I will remove his number from my phone for now...so as to avoid completely impulsive dialing. He did come over tonight and work on my computer and help hang up the last of my curtains. (much, much appreciated..) We are now into side-hug land (Josh..you should appreciate this..you are all about the side hug). I guess what makes this situation difficult is I feel like we started getting to know one another with romantic intentions...so how do you back petal now? Anybody know that antidote for stopping butterflies in the stomach? I need some time with this I suppose. What I am beating myself up about these days is wearing my heart on my sleeve. I have so got to learn to guard my heart....I take every unsuccessful relationship to heart. It seems like the heart breaks easier with age...is that possible? I thought I was suppose to become more wiser about these things. I tend to want to give everything a fair shot...so I throw my heart and everything into it (i suppose that bit of hopeless romantic in me). What also makes this situation worse is I feel like it is so dang hard to meet a nice guy...so when you do meet one, you want to hang onto them...but then again that is not always our decision I suppose. It's all so confusing...do you jump head first..do you tip toe cautiously? I don't know. All I know is that I am trying to figure out how to deal with the current situation at hand.

Well, I had a very unproductive day here. For some reason I was really down. I found myself still lounging in bed at 4 o clock today and it was the image of myself still in my mismatched pjs with scary hair and a kool-aid mustache that made me get out of bed. So what did I do? Well since I am trying to lose weight and save money..I went shopping and went to eat Mexican. Yeah...as I said perhaps counter-productive. Not the best coping skills. And of course for me shopping always brings up guilt. The only unreasonable thing I bought was a purse. I keep looking at it and think I am going to keep it though because I really like it..it is the perfect size and a neutral color...I think it is something I can use every day. Why am I down? I suppose it is a combination of things...all of which if you have been reading my blog that you know about. Along with my lack of motivation, I am realizing that I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to. I really would just like to go crawl in my bed and see how far and how long I can just bury myself. You know it is the time of the month that my hormones get wacky...perhaps it is that. Yeah...as you can see feeling great these days.

Had a sort of ackward encounter tonight...ran into the guy I was kinda whatever.....tonight at the store. Wasn't the best of days really to run into him...yeah I almost broke out in tears, how pathetic is that? It is not the first time I have seen him...but I think it was just the today thing. Yesterday was actually the first day since I have started knowing him that he had not called (when he didn't have company of or something). It is so strange changing old habits and trying to continue a friendship, while closing the door on other feelings. Don't think I am so great at that evidently.

So here is an inappropriate story. I thought with I got Kaden "fixed" that I got him "fixed". Let me explain, I pick up my dog while he is humping one of his stuffed animals and discover a suprise...yes..his little wee wee was not so little and looked unlike it ever does. I was completely disturbed. It was like walking in on your child having sex.....it was very very strange...and I didn't allow him around me for awhile. I so should have gotten a female dog.

Global warming. I actually did do some reading on this today and perhaps this is not the most politically correct thing to say, but I am not all that worried about it. Yes, for the environment overall well-being and conservation...we do need to chill out a bit on some of the negative things we put into the environment and continue to find more environmentally friendly alternatives, but I don't really think it is a huge a concern as some organizations would make it out. What happened in the Day After Tomorrow is not going to happen...or at least not because of global warming. That is just my thoughts..you can choose to agree or not. The EPA has a good website on the topic...and even breaks it down state by state. What would worry me some is if I lived in a coastal state...with the water level rising, etc.

Ok. Have I been random enough tonight? Really, I could continue, but I will spare you for now.

"Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. " This is the message I have from eharmony. I mean really..."sorry you are too strange for us to have any idea who you would be compatible with" is what they should go ahead and say. I mean really...they don't even want my money. It would be like me as a therapist saying...no, I can't help you..you're too far gone. It is funny, yet sort of sad at the same time. I have determined that either a. i am really doomed for a life of ultimate solitute and old maidness or b. confirmation that i shouldn't even go near dating at the moment (which i have no intention of at the moment..just filled it out again out of curiousity) or c. both a and b.

I am going to bed now..which is a half way decent hour for me. It would seem that I am developing a sore throat/cold. I must be honest that I get pretty "poor me" when I am sick...i want to lay in bed all day. I have noticed that I tend to start feeling like this when mother nature because a bit bipolar with one day feeling like spring and the next winter again. Which reminds me that I need to update myself on global warming stuff...let's be honest...the movie Day After Tomorrow made me a bit paranoid...and NO ONE (like my friend who knows who I am talking to) should watch it who are at all skeemish about the weather.

It has been raining all day long here. Now, I am perfectly fine with it raining on my days off...wonderful time to lounge around..however, now that I am a dog owner..this is a frustrating situation. Kaden will not go to the bathroom outside when it's raining. On days like today with there is no break in the weather...it makes my life that much more difficult. I did accomplish giving him a bath today and putting on his new sweater. Now before anyone yells at me..it should be noted that it is a boy sweater and he looks quite adorable in it.

Another thing about having a dog..and taking him out throughout the night..is the dilemma of whether or not I got fully dressed. To be quite honest...now that I can take him out on the same floor in which we live..I usually take a chance at just going out. This means that I am sometimes out there freezing my butt off...and that sometimes I am out there in a long tshirt and jacket...of course I am making reference to in the middle of the night. Hoping that my neighbors are all asleep and not seeing their crazy new neighbor with the yappy dog.

Tonight...in my continual quest to waste time, I "reapplied" if you will to eharmony. Am I ready to date tomorrow or even the next day...no..so I don't know why I filled it out, but I did. The humourous part in all this is the fact that they found no matches for me anywhere in the United States. See...my theory is correct...I am too difficult to match romantically. Perhaps I should expand my criteria to the whole world...I was trying to be good by only putting the US..because as all of you know..I will fall in love with the first man that is 3000 miles away from me. Plus I am trying to find my "soul mate", "the one"..whatever you want to refer to it as that lives in the US (as mentioned early Staci Field's theory that perhaps there is a soul mate in each country..hmmm). Anyways, going to bed with confirmation that matters of the heart may be doom and gloom for me indefinately.

kaden in his sweater

Just enjoying my weekend here. This past week felt like it dragged on and on. Probably resulting from a combination of a lot of hours at work and dealing with the whole matters of the heart thing. Today I went to the UK/South Carolina game with Stacey. UK managed to pull out a win, but it was hard to watch at times. It is so strange to not have a good UK basketball team. I am by no means turning my back on the cats, but the facts are the facts and UK is just not playing good ball this year. Regardless of that though, I got to see a good college basketball game in atmosphere of Rupp Arena.

Among other things, I am hoping to get some reading done for the class I am taking. Sitting in class the other day, I couldn't help but think..this is something I can do. We'll see....look for a pro/con list to emerge soon with a call for your opinions on my life decisions.

Love stinks..yeah yeah. Must you ask my thoughts on the topic right now? No, I am attempting to do what I have so very much spoke against in the past. I am maintaining a friendship after there were clear romantic components to the relationship. Generally I feel like there needs to be a grace period if you will, but I suppose this a trial. It seems to be going ok at the moment. Part of what is hard for me in romantic "break-ups", "pauses"..whatever you would like to call them is the fact that someone you have started to care for is suddenly ripped out of your life. I suppose because of different events that have occurred across my life, I don't handle sudden separation very well. All that to say the situation seems to be ok at the moment. Off to bed for me now.

Before I crash for the night, I thought I would share a bit of how things are going for me. To be honest I am feeling a bit down...matters of the heart of course. I am a bit heartbroken. I think something I thought may have had a future may not work out. Dating, meeting new people..whatever you want to call it is such a frustrating process...the circle of pain (see earlier blog entries for explanation). I am so tempted to just give up..perhaps live in a life of solitude...well as solitude as it can be with my hyperactive dog. How hard can it be to meet someone? My family and others sometimes state that I am too picky, however rest assured that it has all been rather condensed. I am no longer looking for mr. perfect...who's description has changed over the years...now I am just looking for someone who wants to be with me...who accepts me and all my idiosyncrasies. I want to love and be loved in return..how difficult can this be? I mean, really, everyone around me seems to be able to manage this simple task. I am not expecting to meet the love of my life and get married tomorrow....(although it feels more and more like that is what everyone around me is doing)...but I am just wanting to meet someone with whom I can build a relationship.

Have thought that maybe I should start a website goodcatch.com (although don't really type that in...because some interesting things may pop up). This could be a place where people such as myself and some others that I know can go to meet other "good catches" that may be overlooked. Of course there would be certain criteria..such as not living at home still, a job..etc. Oh well. Sorry for the downer!

When I was younger, as in middle school, I used to look at the stars and wonder if a specific someone (i.e. Jason Hall) was looking at the same star somewhere else (i.e two counties over - Letcher). It was sort of someone to think about and think about possible happy ever after. When he passed away, I didn't know what to do with myself because it left some sort of void. It is neat how each person that has been in our life, both those good and bad can teach us to appreciate different things. A certain someone that I so affectionately refer to as jerkface sort of reminded me appreciate things such as a pretty night. Where is this all coming from? Well, tonight is a perfect night...at least in my opinion. The temperature is such that you need a sweatshirt and jeans...and the it is clear with a nice steady breeze. I actually laid down and looked at the sky for a bit when I took Kaden out. I think the prettiest sky I remember seeing is one year at Bethel Camp when we took a hayride up on the strip mine..you felt like you could almost touch the stars.

Ok...so I think I am sounding a bit cheesy and perhaps it is because I just got finished watching a cheesy, but cute, movie with Stacey. A few new thoughts on love. First men only say and do what the are "suppose to do" in movies...ever noticed that? Second over dinner with the girls on Friday we proposed that perhaps an individual has a soul mate in each country...hmmm...so I may have found the Irish one..now on to America, you think? That is of course if I decided to buy into the whole notion of "soul mate"...another rant in itself. Yes, I am a mixture of dreamer who has become jaded.

Yeah...check this out about maltese..perhaps I should have done a bit more reading..notice separation anxiety and difficulty potty training are both on there. Oh, well, wouldn't trade the little punk for the world now.

So, I have been trying to live up to my New Year's resolution(and let's be honest I want to get my curtains hung up..) and I have been doing a bit of exercising. I am a sad sight right now with the exercising. I am working up slowly though. Good thing not too many people are around at my exercise center..haha. Random question: you know those popcorn tins that everyone gives out at Christmas? Why is there more caramel popcorn? I mean is it just assumed that it is the favorite popcorn? It doesn't make sense why each popcorn isn't equal. Random thought.

In the past, I often wrote in my journal on New Year's Eve. Even if I didn't write in it regularly, I would break it out and write down some thoughts on the upcoming year. I thought I might do this on my blog tonight (yes..it is 4 am...but I am still wide awake). This year I spent New Year's Eve at Staci and David's. We had a good evening just hanging out and playing games...it was nice just being with close friends. I think it was actually better than fighting all the crowds. When I was younger I always had this image of me being dressed up and at fancy parties on New Year's Eve...or in New York City. I suppose those are the images that you get from tv when growing up. Early today I cooked a lunch for Bill and I. So, my cooking can be an interesting experience and this was no exception. It wasn't horrible....I just smoked up the house once and had a pan literally melt into the burner (you have to be careful about how cheap of pans that you purchase...a lesson I learned today). The lasagna turned out ok....a bit salty I thought. I have this thing about not liking most things that I fix though...sort of strange. Bill did eat it though...so I think it was ok...maybe....should make sure he is ok in the morning..haha. Anyways, so that was my day.

Now for some resolutions.....
1. Lose weight - specifically I would like to lose 40 lbs before Lisa's wedding in May. That may be extreme..but I think if I focus and work at it..it may be feasible. So I begin with tomorrow...eating better and exercise.
1a. losing weight should lead to better health...lower blood pressure and more energy
1b. losing weight will improve my self esteem

2. Figure out what I am going to do with my life. Now this may a bit broad. Basically am I continuing with what feels like my coursework of torture? Will I continue just working at the Ridge? Should I drop out and take pictures? Should I move to a foreign country and work an odd end job? Hmmmmm....of course not all reasonable options..haha...but you get the idea.

3. Be happier.

O.k. my resolutions for Kaden

1. Get the little guy fully potty trained. Understanding that ringing the bell means going outside to use the bathroom...not to play and not that he should use the bathroom in the house and then ring the bell.

2. Teach him not to eat hair, ears, sequines, Q tips...and anything else he finds.

3. I should start walking him regularly. (more related to me)

So, there you go...my resolutions for 2006...the year that I will turn one year closer to 30. Happy New Year to everyone.