Ok...so I am finally updating this blog. Currently, I am suffering from the side effects of going off the psychotropic medication Effexor ER..which I affectionally refer to Lucifer's drug of choice. Yes, I was dealing with anxiety..but what I am experiencing now was not worth a few better rested nights. Today I just seem to have the "wishy head" feelings..but yesterday I felt like miserable: fever and chills, vomitting ,diarhhea, headaches...crap I tell you. The "wishy washy" feeling my head is what some people have labeled as "brain shivers". I think it is more like "brain techno dancing" in my head. I move my head and it is like "1, 2, 3" until my brain seems to catch up with the head movement. Fun times I tell you...

Next, I should tell you about my dating trials and tribulations. I should start with the results of the speed dating. Well the only one I thought I would get a no from was the only guy that I got a yes from. How amusing is that...considering I work with people for a living. I have a tad difficulty reading men as this confirms. Hence my barriers in the dating world I suppose. Also I learned that even old me don't want to date me! Ok...from where did my recent dates emerge? Well, one is from the speed dating: the md..yes...my narcissitic rant was not applicable I suppose and the second from the free membership of cupid that they give you from doing the lovely speed dating experience. Now for the details,

Well my first date was with short boy. Now I know that I have made fun of match.com being shortman.com..but I assure you that this date took dating short to a whole new level. It was a disappointing date all around...and not because I am presenting as a "heightist" (equivalent to racist). We seemed to have hit it off chatting online..but it didn't go as well in person I suppose. First, I am weary when someone has been skessy about more than one thing. 1. I was told he was 5'2"..not so much...well below 5 foot...probably 4'11". 2. I was told that that he only smoked three cigarettes a day...no...6 + that night...including having to step out to smoke. 3. He told me he was separated. Well, perhaps by his definition..but divorce not final and wife still living in the house...again sketchy. I am not sure where I offended him, but at some point it appears that I did. Perhaps not offering to pay for my part of dinner...dude it was a first date. Anyways, if anybody should have done the ignoring, blowing off, etc..it should have been me..but he did it to me. No love loss for sure..but I am a bit annoyed by that.

Date number 2: the speed dating result/md. We hung out and actually had a lot to talk about. He called me on Sunday to see if I wanted to do anything and we have hung out once since then. I am not sure if there is future potentional there for a number of reasons, but I can see us becoming friends at the least. What are the reasons that I mention?? Well, he's Indian..which means he is Hindu..which means religious differences, etc, etc. Nevertheless he is a good looking md who wants to hang out and we will leave it at that for the moment.

Other romantic considerations...ah..same ole. Got the wondering in the back of my mind about a situation that I am wondering will ever progress and then still hanging onto things I shouldn't. I have such mixed feelings about dating right now. Sometimes I long for companionship so much that it hurts..then other times I am fine having my space and autonomy. I guess a healthy relationship is the balance of the two, correct?

Death. My grandma Campbell passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 97. Can you imagine living to be such an age and all the things that have changed? The funeral was neat in that all the grandchildren got up and shared various things. I was so struck leaving the funeral at the value that she placed on family...and how so content she was with the life she was presented. How many people are truly content with their life? Everyday we complain, struggle, go on medications to deal...with the things that she was content..and she did not have an easy life. To live so old, means to live through a lot of death and heartbreak. The love and contentment came from her faith in God. I was struck at how amazing it was that the things for which she was remembered was in love of her family and God. How often do you truly see that anymore...and how sad is that? Yes, she was a fiesty old women as she aged..but I always felt loved and she made sure that everyone was presented with her beliefs and faith. She left an amazing legacy of contentment and faith.

A classmate of mine from UK also passed away this week. If you were to have asked me the "ideal' PhD model student...she would have came to mind. She was killed in a car accident moving back from Texas to begin her job. She had just graduated and was getting ready to start living life. It has really stayed on my mind..and got me to thinking about things in varioud different lights. For the moment is making me content and even happy with my decision to place school on hold at the moment. If something were to happen tomorrow, I don't want to have put life and the things I enjoy on hold..to never be pursued.

O.k. I think I have let you in on what has been going on with me the last few weeks. I will probably go to bed now as my head seems to be feeling worse and hope that I wake up able to work tomorrow. Brain techno dancing I tell you!