At times I tend to disclose on here a somewhat censored version of my life. Well, tonight I am in one of those moods to just lay it all out on the table. Take heed...you have been warned. First of all disco head dancing is a mild occurence now and I am so excited to be feeling much better from all that. Again I DO NOT recommend going on Lucifer's drug of choice (i.e. Effexor) unless you absolutely need to be on something and don't intend to EVER come off of it. I have decided unless I am in dire need of something for my mood...I don't want to put anything in my body that affects my thinking and processing such as that did as I came off of it. It seems like I have had quite a few days off recently..but I have spent most of the time working on photography stuff. To be honest I have felt somewhat recluse...partly by choice, partly not. Which leads me with my first frustration....abandonment.

What am I talking about? I am talking about what poor Bridget Jones felt like on one of my favorite movies. The entire structure and dynamic of my friendships have changed drastically over the past 1 1/2 - 2 years. Went from everyone single..to Jessica single. Now, this would be ok..but it has more to do with the shifting social structure and how I am some random beam hanging out that no one can figure out exactly where it should go. Some groups of friends hang out all together as couples...not so much does this seem to happen. It is more of a couple here...a couple there...a couple everywhere. To hang out with someone means to hang out with them and their significant other alone..not really comprehensively as a group. Now many of the significant others' of my friends have made an effort with me..to keep up with me, etc. and that is appreciated..however nothing can change what has shifted over the last bit. I mean in general I do think I am a "good friend of the girlfriend" (for explanation..I am sure I have referenced this before in a blog)...but I miss the old dynamic sometimes. No one calls to just hang out..go to dinner or a movie anymore. I would love dinner and movie that was NOT a date..but just with a friend. Everyone is just so busy..and when they are not..they have a constant companion...so it leaves me dangling. I am not trying to be all whoa is me, but I went from having lots of social support to lots less in a year (in reference to quantity). I realize my work schedule is crazy..but for real..over the last week I have sat at home A LOT. This is not a "oh bad friends" statment either, but just hating one fo the things that happen around this age (hence quarter life crisis) and hating that I am the one left behind..that is all.

What got me to thinking alot about this? Well, I hated not having someone to check on me and take care of me while I felt like shit last week. I did get some calls here and there...even from unexpected people at work...however I wanted someone that would have offered to go pick up my medicine, bring me something eat, etc. As a counselor, I would ask someone like me..well did you ask anyone? No, I didn't because I didn't feel I had the right to ask anyone. Basically I want a boyfriend because everyone else has one. (Like...yes..mommy I want that new game because everyone else has it and is playing it.) I have always been fairly independent, however that was with a strong social support backing. All I wanted more than anything last week when I felt like crap was to have a companion here that i could lay my head in their lap..that is all I really wanted. There you go..whoa is Jessica who is lonely and seeking companionship.

How do you meet someone for such potential companionship? Well, for everyone else in the world they seem to fall out of the freakin' blue sky, but I have to go on dates and dates. I am glad to be seeing a few people..don't get me wrong, but casual dating is not what I want at the moment. And I realize that dates lead to meeting people..which leads to relationships..but I seem to strike out OVER and OVER and OVER. How much of the tedious get to know you stuff can you go through..really. I am probably starting to scare my dates because I am to the point of not caring anymore...I am like pure 100% me at the beginning..and everyone knows you need to keep it tamed down a bit before you dget to know someone. The truth is I don't care much anymore and I don't even get excited about most dates anymore. It seems I saw a movie that displayed such a similar thing that I am experiencing...can't recall the name though. Which there is another factor contributing that that as well..which I will discuss in a minute.

Dates. Had another first date tonight. From the way I am ranting you would think that it went horrible, however it didn't. My first thought is that we will end up being friends..but I am not sure about more. I can't place my finger on it..but it probably has something to do with him reminding me of a gay friend/guy that was in PhD program...so I think I may be attributing qualities to him.that are more of my friend. Nevertheless it was decent conversation and a good dinner (Merrick Inn). He is a chef..so I suppose we can call him "the chef". He has offered to cook me dinner this Friday, and I am waiting to see if something else is panning out that I was already planning. Mr. MD...I guess that is what we will call him..well I have seen him a few times. Helped him out when his car was in the shop, etc. We may be doing something this weekend...if it can be worked out between both of our crazy schedules. I am not sure that it will go anywhere at all because of differences, etc. At least I get an A for effort because I really am being open to meeting new people etc., even if I am dreading it at times.

Crushes. I still have the same ole big crush. (Crushes are clearly distinguished from those i am going on dates with. Crushes are often unobtainable, yet total smittin at times with..people in my life.). This is my coworker who I am beginning to think may serve as the epidomy (spelling?) of the almost perfect man: gorgeous, sincere, smart, religious and great interpersonal skills. Blue eyes to die for people. So out of my league that it is ridiculous..and younger..but a crush it continues to be indeed. (And a crush that everyone at work knows about...oh well..I am so not the only one. He is the type of guy that guys could have "man crushes" on..haha).

What was the other factor in which I mentioned before? Well, that would be that there is someone in my life who does serve as my emotional companionship at times..that let's be honest I am just frustrated about the situation at the time. This is someone who has been in my life for awhile now, but doesn't want to date me "right now". So there is someone in my life that I would like to attempt to date..however not so much going to happen. However feelings and attachment are there..and for the love can not be removed as people have suggsted. Oh yes, I will turn that feelings for this person off, turn this one on..and just let that one be for now. NO..that is not how it works. You feel what you feel and no guards seems to help it. Gotta love life and the circle of pain known as dating and love. Just a side note: warning to men in my life. For the love..don't refer to your relationship with me as simply "friendship" if it currently or recently involves things that would indicate otherwise. The situations do not warrant "dating" per se..but they are definitely not simply friendship. I at minimum prefer the term "weird friendships".

A break..this is what I need from Lexington and actually I would like a break from the country:-)..haha but that's just me. Hence the reasonI have been searching airfares for a trip in the Fall. Wow. I have wrote alot. I don't want to hear the Jessica don't be so sad, blunt, etc. in the blog. The title states "quarter life crisis" hence the contents will reflect that. I am not depressed or getting ready to jump into a river..just frustrated at being 26 and alone..and not feeling like I have direction on where to go. That is all. (I am just finishing up my lovely female monthly vistor..and have come off a mood altering medication..so I am allowed to be a bit emotional for a few days..as long as I do not wallow in it).