It has only been a few days really since I last posted, but it feels like it has been weeks. A fellow coworker of mine committed suicide last week by stepping in front of a semi. This was a coworker of mine that I have worked with for close to 3 years...in an office of 10 people or so. She did the same job as me....we assess suicidality everyday. How could an office full of therapists miss the signs of a coworker? It just shakes you to the core...and it is hard for anyone outside of my workplace to truly grasp that. Everyday I go in to work, and people come to me at the absolute worst points in their life and tell me..a complete stranger what they are thinking...and even thoughts of hurting themselves. It is what we do...and we are able to separate ourselves from our job. It is hard to separate when a fellow colleague and friend commits suicide. I guess as a counselor she could hide the signs. What is disturbing is that only someone in my field could understand why she did it the way she did it. She wanted it to be immediate, permanent, and for her family and friends not to find her. The truck driver has to be completely traumatized...but better to traumatize one rather than many..maybe that was what she was thinking. Was she even thinking? Was it planned or was it spontaneous? I think it was planned from the things we discussed and that she had a lot more going on with her than any of us knew...or knew the depth of. I knew she was lonely. It just worries me...I have such a history of suicide in my paternal family. Am I going to wake up one day and feel like that? (I don't...please don't worry...). It just makes you wonder what gets people to that point. What got my father to that point? What is the point in which even the thought of your children doesn't stop you? Like I said...it has really shaken me to the core and bothered me. I am feeling better about it and the funeral is this week. It was a long weekend at work...and to be honest..work is not something I am looking forward to right now. It just brings up alot of mixed emotions...for not just me..but all my coworkers.

Other than that...life has been treating me ok. The normal spills (literally....vegetable soup all over the shirt at work), and worrying about what seem to be meaningless things in regard to the situation I just discussed (i.e. work hours, loneliness, my weight..ugh...men..double ugh). On a frivolous note..I bought flowers for my patio (Lisa you would be proud)...now the trick is to keeping them alive now.